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I will share with you my feelings, my soul. I will let my pains go and let my hardship be lessened. I will share myself with you. This is my blog, my words that I wish to share with you. OOSE

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MY MEDICINE, My life(part 2)

Posted 11-29-2007 at 01:54 AM by woggs
I felt a breeze blow across my face, a nice August breeze. I listened and I could hear birds, there were bee’s buzzing about the empty soda cans, and the sky was clear and blue. The sun was just above the horizon, the children were playing, the adults were visiting and from every camp you could hear all the families just being together and laughing. Life was beautiful, what more could one ask for. We had been blessed with the ways of our people, the life that we lived and blessed with the people who walked our lives with us. No one was getting ready, still, the M.C. was calling for all dancers and singers to report to the arbor for grand entry, and everyone continued to sit at their camps laughing and visiting. My husband and I lay in Summer’s tent and giggled with her and Ev as we talked about how good our weekend was. My daughter came in and wanted us to get her dressed, but we had only 10 minutes to get ready, so I told her to wait until after grand entry.
We all rushed to get dressed in our regalia’s, by the time I was dressed the men’s categories were leading in the dancers. I glanced over and saw my little daughter carrying a big woman size fancy shawl. It was dragging and the fringes were getting weeds and dirt caught on them. I tried to catch her but she dragged her shawl into the arbor and grabbed her father’s hand; they dance their final grand entry together. It was a sight to be seen, the sun was on the horizon and the singers were “blasting” an awesome grand entry song, the men were going for it and giving it their all. There were Daryl and Maliah dancing their final grand entry side by side. It was almost a sign, that they were going to be dancing for us forever and this was a sign that creator meant for them to be together in life and in death.
I don’t know how this paper fits the concepts in class, but I know it fits the concept of being Indian. We learn from the lessons life has taught us, we are given different blessings, we learn from the experience of our lives, the experiences of our bloodlines and from what we are taught in “talk-story” from our elders. I know that life is a philosophy. Life is a blessing, life is a story and life can be shared forever. In many of the different readings and books I have read in this course and others, from Vine Deloria Jr. s God is Red, to Black Elks Speaks, to Wisdoms Daughter’s, I find a common theme, and this theme is that life gives all of us the lessons that will carry on our bloodlines and take care of us as human people. It is experiences and stories that can help us learn or help us cope with problems and difficulties.
The next morning after Daryl and Maliah entered the dance circle hand-in-hand, they left this world, as we traveled home after winning championships at the powwow. Maliah had a short life; she was only four years old. I don’t think I’ve actually come to terms with her death, I am still healing. Right now, I am just doing what I have to do to ensure my son understands that we must keep going. I “knew” something was going to happen to her before I went to sleep that morning. I asked my cousin Summer to let Maliah sleep in her car because there was no room in the back of the truck cab. But, as soon as I handed her off she heard my little sister Leela announce to Daryl that she had cookies. Daryl was laughing and trying to steal as many cookies from Leela as he could. Maliah heard their exchange of words and laughter and woke up, saying “I want to sit by my daddy”. I felt strangely afraid to allow her in the front of the cab, my mind flashed a thought that I wished never happened. In my mind, I thought, “If we get in a wreck she will be the first to go”. I laid back down and let her sit in the front and waved Summer, a “never-mind” signal. Maliah was asking her daddy about our pug dogs Mugwa and Mooshu, I had a strange foreboding. I was laying there mad for thinking horrible thoughts, I dozed off before I could say a prayer to ask for traveling mercies.
I woke up, I didn’t understand at first whether I was in a dream or awake. I remained calm, I knew that freaking out would only make things worse. If this was a dream, I wanted to wake up. It wasn’t a dream; it was a nightmare come true. I remember everything clearly. I think somehow, I was helped by the creator or by something I cannot explain to help me remain calm, helping spirits or my teachings. I didn’t cry, my Grandma always said “Don’t cry like someone died or the Creator will give you a reason to cry”. I wanted to be sure that the others in the vehicle were taken care of; I didn’t care whether I lived or died. All I wanted was my daughter, I can’t explain the feeling, but I knew she was gone. I could “FEEL” it. The ambulance arrived quickly, we happened to wreck a few miles out of Butte, Montana on Interstate 15.
When the ambulance loaded me into the vehicle, I remember asking how everyone was, and I remember asking if my daughter was ok. They didn’t say anything; they told me that they will let me know because their concern was with me. I didn’t care about me. My son was loaded into the same ambulance vehicle, I held his hand tightly. I told him that we will be fine, that help has arrived, mommy is here with him and I will never leave him. I told him that I loved him. I don’t know how I must’ve looked because a portion of my scalp was ripped back from my forehead. I didn’t care, he needed comfort more than I did. So, I comforted my son, in my softest voice I kept reassuring him that we were ok. As, the ambulance was getting ready to transport us from the accident scene to the emergency room I listened to the driver call-in the details. “We are now transporting an adult male 25 years old, an adult female 24 years old, a female 14 years old and a 6 year old male”. My heart sank, I asked the paramedic where the four year old girl was, I asked why they weren’t transporting her. I still didn’t know where she was but that “feeling” that she was no longer “here” in this world was strong. I didn’t want to believe the “feeling” so I held my tears back and tried to concentrate on my son. I squeezed his hand and repeatedly explained to him how much I loved him and would be there for him. I didn’t want to freak out about my daughter in front of him. Later the nurses told me that they were amazed at the calmness I kept, for the love of a mother can keep us strong in times of need.
We arrived and the emergency room was frantic. The paramedics put all four of us in different rooms. I still didn’t know how Daryl or Leela was doing. I thought Daryl was ok, because I had seen him crying out “WHY?” as he struggled to look around. Later, I found out that he was motionless. Perhaps I saw his spirit. I have no idea. I was laying there just sobbing, because now it was my chance to cry, my son was in another room. I was sobbing in pain and fear. I was scared. How could this happen, we were good people? The ER nurses were cutting my clothes off and they were washing the rocks from my scalp. They were trying to straighten my broken body, and told me to just be strong. My pelvic bones were both cracked; one was cracked almost completely in half and my pubic bones were crushed in. The right side of my body was twisted over my left. Below my waist, I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t feel my legs. They washed me and prepped me, gave me some pain medications and sent me to x-ray. I couldn’t hold still because I was in so much pain. I think I was near shock. The doctors were discussing my condition and luckily the only doctor in the whole state who would attempt to reattach my pelvic bone with pins and a plate was in town for the day. Was this a miracle?
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Lakota_winyan's Avatar
thx for sharing...
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Posted 11-17-2008 at 03:32 PM by Lakota_winyan Lakota_winyan is offline
 
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