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-   -   She doesn't powwow. (http://forums.powwows.com/f19/she-doesn-t-powwow-35314/)

soonerbyheart 10-04-2006 10:52 PM

She doesn't powwow.
My wife doesn't powwow! We are from different tribes and her tribe is not of the powwow type. Granted, I had been away from the drum for some time when I met her, but that has changed this past year. I have since become aquainted with a few guys and have started to sing with them. I am learning the songs "again." I take time to practice with them and on my own, and to her it is different and at times she fights with me about it. What I can't seem to get her to understand is that I have shown her tribe respect for their customs and beliefs, why can't this be the same for me. Being away from the drum was my fault and loss. Along the way my own forces were against me, (alcohol), and my grandma told me to, "Find my way back," I believe it was to be in the circle once more. How do I get here to understand me and the importance of singing to me. When I sing, I feel closer to my Mom, my Gram, who have since left us. It has turned to a healing for me.

ndldy68 10-05-2006 11:30 AM

I would really like to answer you on this but it is really hard. When you go to practices do you take her with you?

darkwaterlum 10-05-2006 12:33 PM

Tough situation, I can relate to you though, I seriously dated someone, as she did not powwow, at all, she would go sometimes, but thats about it, and it was cool for a while, but then we argued all the time, and she felt as if I choose singing and dancing, powwowin over her. I explained to her that was a big part of me from the beginning, and she excepted that. but I guess she thought that she could change that of me later on, but then I found me someone on the powwow trail., but thats a whole other story...

Being married, speaking from my parents, and grand parents, cause I am far from it right now, is about compromise, and that is everything. Though her tribe does not get into the whole powwow scene, can your wife see these changes that the circle and drum bring? Does she understand why, and have you asked her to be apart of it? I guess it really depends on the two people that are involved, and their willinginess to compromise, give and/or take when it comes to certain issues. I think if the two of you handle things in the right way, that the Creator will make sure that everthing goes smoothly, cause you always get out, what you put in your circle...

WocusWoman 10-05-2006 01:51 PM

I don't know what age group you and your wife are in, but when people have been married a while they usually come to understand and respect each other for who they are. I go to drum practice every Sunday evening. For one, it makes me a better person. I feel fulfillment for the rest of the week. I had to let my spouse know this in a way that he could understand, that when I take these 2 hours to go pray and sing, it's very important to my well-being. I've been practicing total sobriety for 18 years now, and adding this to part of my and my kids life has been important to the functioning of my family. As you know, life is stressful at times. I'm guessing that your wife and/or you are christian and it may seem for her that powwows and drumming are something that is non-christian or foreign. If that is the case, find some elders or a native mentor, so to speak that can help you out as a couple. If you have or get those overwhelming positive feelings as I do when I hear or sing at the drum, I'd advise you to keep with it, because walking the red road will get you through alot of bad times in your life. WW

ndngirl70 10-05-2006 02:30 PM


Originally Posted by darkwaterlum
it was cool for a while, but then we argued all the time, and she felt as if I choose singing and dancing, powwowin over her.

I had a similar problem with my ex husband. He knew I was a dancer and singer when he met me. He was the same tribe as me and he even met me at a powwow. He used to pick fights with me and say that I wasn't spending enough time with him at powwows. It got to the point where I stopped going for awhile because it was easier than arguing all the time. In the end though, I really missed it and got back into it when we separated. I wish that I hadn't missed out on it for all those years. If powwowing is who you are, then it's who you are. And although compromise is important to a successful relationship, you can't change who you are.

Migiziwomen 10-05-2006 02:55 PM

this is just not an answer you will find on here. man this is tough, plus there is no way for us to know the whole story. do you invite her if you do does she come. why would she want to deny you your spirituality? for some that i know the Drum, the singing, that is part of thier sobriety, just as the faith in God is part of some others. it is all the same you know? this is just so tough, have you all gone to speak to an elder? i wish you all the luck, and just know that if you are living right, you will travel down the path you are supposed to.

chazziff 10-05-2006 02:55 PM

it is totally about compromise .. and maybe she does have insecurity issues. maybe you should try involve her more in your "pow wow" life. make her understand that this is, and as well as her, a big part of your life. and that you would like for both of them to be in your life.

and if she cant understand this .. maybe you should reconsider your relationship. how much do you want her and pow wow in your life. which one is more important? .. real tough decision ahead of you

SmokeEater 10-05-2006 03:34 PM

I've been in the same situation countless times, and to find someone who's as involved as I am has been like finding a diamond in the rough.

Not being married, I feel like I can be more selective in who I decide to have a relationship with. Believe me, I've dropped a lot of nice girls because of it. D'lum posted above... I let 'em know up front what the deal is.

Worst case senario I'm happy just being single, which affords me more time for singing.

In your case, I don't think you have that luxury. Even if you can't get her to sit behind you everytime you go sing, hopefully she'll at least let you go and understand why you do that.

3Pani'grlz 10-05-2006 04:15 PM

I don't like to beat around the bush...don't "settle"...find another companion that LOVES to be a part of the pow-wow circle, just as much as you do. You WILL be happier. That's just my opinion, but in all honesty...you need to do what satisfies you...

ndldy68 10-05-2006 04:25 PM

I agree.

darkwaterlum 10-05-2006 04:31 PM

3Pani'grlz and ndldy68 I agree that you should not settle, but the guy is married I dont know if its legally or traditionally.. doesnt that constitute something? I mean if you are only dating, seeing, whatever the relationship is, then by all means, kick'em to the curve, But I think that it gets complicated when two are married...

3Pani'grlz 10-05-2006 04:37 PM

darkwaterlum, same goes for marrriage...kids or no kids...just my opinion...

darkwaterlum 10-05-2006 04:45 PM

Wow!!! :eek2: Now thats keeping it real!! :adore: :adore: IF you ever run for president, you got my vote! :thumbsup:

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