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Old 07-08-2004, 08:04 PM   #1
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Angry American People Ruled Unfit To Govern

This was posted on the TX-AIM yahoo group - thought I'd share...

http://theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4026&n=1

WASHINGTON, DC-In a historic decision with major
implications for the future of U.S. participatory
democracy, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 Monday that the
American people are unfit to govern.
American Focus

The controversial decision, the first of its kind in
the 210-year history of U.S. representative
government, was, according to Justice David Souter, "a
response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and
indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters
concerning the operation of this nation's government."

As a result of the ruling, the American people will no
longer retain the power to choose their own federal,
state, and local officials or vote on matters of
concern to the public.

"This decision was by no means easy, but it
unfortunately had to be done," said Justice Antonin
Scalia, who penned the majority decision in the case.
"The U.S. Constitution is very clear: In the event
that the voting public becomes incapacitated or
otherwise unfit to carry out its duties of
self-governance, there is a danger posed to the
republic, and the judicial branch is empowered to
remove said public and replace it with a populace more
qualified to lead."

"In light of their unmitigated apathy toward issues of
import to the nation's welfare and their inability to
grasp even the most basic principles upon which
participatory democracy is built, we found no choice
but to rule the American people unfit to govern at
this time," Scalia concluded.

The controversial ruling, court members stressed, is
not intended as a slight against the character of the
American people, but merely a necessary measure for
the public good.
Just some of the millions of empty voting booths that
can be seen across America each November.
Above: Just some of the millions of empty voting
booths that can be seen across America each November.

"The public's right to the best possible
representation is a founding principle of our nation,"
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor told reporters. "If you
were on a jet airliner, you wouldn't want an
untrained, incompetent pilot at the controls, and this
is the same thing. As federal justices, we have taken
a solemn oath to uphold every citizen's constitutional
rights, and if we were to permit an irresponsible,
indifferent public to continue to helm the ship of
state, we would be remiss in our duties and putting
the entire nation at risk."

The ruling brings to an end a grueling 10-month
process, during which more than 100 Supreme Court
hearings were held to determine the public's capacity
for self-governance. In spite of the fact that these
hearings were aired on C-SPAN, most U.S. citizens were
unaware of them because coverage was largely eclipsed
by news that Mary-Kate Olsen, one of the famed Olsen
twins, is battling anorexia.

The Supreme Court found that, though 78 percent of
U.S. citizens have seen Star Wars, only one in 200,000
were aware that the multibillion-dollar "Star Wars"
missile-defense system had been approved by Congress.
Additionally, while 62 percent of citizens correctly
identified the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond, only
.01 percent could identify former attorney general
Janet Reno beyond "some woman Jay Leno always says
looks like a man." Further, only .0003 percent could
correctly identify the ancient Greek city-state of
Athens as the birthplace of the concept of an educated
citizenry participating in democratic self-rule.

But the final straw, Supreme Court justices said, came
last week, when none of the 500,000 random citizens
polled were aware of the existence of North Korea's
nuclear-weapons program.

"I mean, come on," Justice William Rehnquist said.
"The threat of global thermonuclear war? It's just
ridiculous. There was no way we could trust such a
populace to keep running things after that."

Populations currently being considered to fill the
leadership void until the American people can be
rehabilitated and returned to self-governance include
those of Switzerland, Sweden, and Canada.

"I'm willing to do what I can to help out in this time
of crisis and make sure that my vote counts,"
Stockholm resident Per Johanssen said. "I've been
reading up on America a bit, just to get a general
idea of what needs to be done, and from what I can
tell, they really need some sort of broad-based
healthcare reform over there right away."

In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian
province of Saskatchewan will hold primaries next
Tuesday to re-evaluate last year's gubernatorial
election in California.

The lone dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony
Kennedy, who, in his minority opinion, wrote,
"Although the American people are clearly unable to
make responsible decisions at this time, it is not
their fault that they are so uninformed. Rather, the
blame lies with the media interests and corporate
powers that intentionally keep them in the dark on
crucial issues."

Kennedy concluded his opinion by tendering his
resignation and announcing his intent "to move to a
small island somewhere."

Thus far, reaction to the ruling has been largely
indifferent.

"The people ruled unfit to govern? Yeah, I think I
might've heard something about that," said Covington,
KY, sales representative Neil Chester. "I think I saw
it on the news or something, when I was flipping past
trying to find that show about the lady sheriff."

"If you ask me, voting was a big pain anyway," said
mother of four Sally Heim of Augusta, ME. "At least
now I'm free to do my soap-opera-trivia crossword
puzzles in peace, without all that distraction about
who's running for Second District Alderperson and
what-not."

In spite of the enormous impact the ruling would seem
to have, many political experts are downplaying its
significance.

"It doesn't really change anything, to be honest,"
Duke University political-science professor Benjamin
St. James said. "The public hasn't made any real
contributions to the governance of the country in
decades, so I don't see how this ruling affects all
that much."

"I wouldn't worry about it," St. James added. "It's
not that important."

-------

im thinkin' its just a satire, but it strikes a little too close for comfort, don't u think? :Eyebrows
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Old 07-08-2004, 11:14 PM   #2
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The Onion is a satire newspaper :)
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Old 07-09-2004, 10:18 PM   #3
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thanks for verifying that... i wasn't sure, but kinda figured so. But it's still a little too close for comfort :(
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Old 07-12-2004, 05:12 AM   #4
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Ya know there is one country somewhere in the east I think that once a year wives get to cain there husbands to relieve all their stress or what ever...I think we should envoke that right here as well...Atleast once a year all politicians and judicial people alike should have to be cained by us...just to let them know that we still do exisist...The american people that is..people need to step down off the big head syndrome for a second or so... And I would have to say that I don't really care about korea's missile system..I mean if they were really going to us them they would have done so before they let it be known they had one.
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