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Old 05-02-2007, 09:58 AM   #1
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Dirty Funny Jokes!

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years of medical practice
I've never laughed at one of my patients."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to
drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'woo-hoo' the doctor have ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling,
then fell laughing to the floor. Two minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain some composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.
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Old 05-10-2007, 10:38 PM   #2
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awwwww.....foxy , yer baaaaad !
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Old 05-11-2007, 09:18 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wardancer View Post
awwwww.....foxy , yer baaaaad !
So bad how are u doing?
Heres another funny

The Washcloth

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned
some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was
playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!
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Old 05-12-2007, 12:27 PM   #4
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Crude joke but funny!

Never Seen One
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around the house with his
finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something. The boy
continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off.
You're going to break something".
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for
a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the
toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in
and while putting away the grocery gets
the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly
make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and
can't believe what she's seeing. She's not
sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over
shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath
room and he gets down on his knees and
takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of
touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over
30 years, and this is the first time I've ever
actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!
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Old 05-12-2007, 10:05 PM   #5
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Dude, you are so twisted.
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Old 05-13-2007, 04:01 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by badmaninc View Post
Dude, you are so twisted.

Thank you ! LMAO
Heres another

The Blonde and The Body Builder

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great
chest you have." He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have. The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
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Last edited by Foxmoon; 05-13-2007 at 04:04 AM.. Reason: Adding some
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Old 05-13-2007, 03:47 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxmoon View Post
Never Seen One

`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ```````````
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts
... "I've been in this business for over
30 years, and this is the first time I've ever
actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!

I'm definitely laughing That's the best thing I've heard all day, for sure!
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Old 05-14-2007, 10:20 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by andre View Post
I'm definitely laughing That's the best thing I've heard all day, for sure!
I guess you have to be a little twisted 2! LOL!
Heres another

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2006

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.His Father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $580,000 and unfortunately your mother just lost her job.There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.Then I heard mom tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $580,000 mortgage & no bike!!"
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Old 05-19-2007, 03:37 PM   #9
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The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. ***** is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
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Old 05-19-2007, 07:24 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raynebyrd View Post
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. ***** is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
I never grow tired of that joke I have it in my book Of Jokes. Its great thanks so much for the laugh.
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Old 05-19-2007, 07:32 PM   #11
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Heres a short one for ya!
You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic school .Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun,
called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret,who created the universe?"When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little
Paulie who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Paulie came to her rescue and stuck
Mary Margaret in the butt."Jesus Christ!!!"? shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and
Mary Margaret fell back asleep.The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Paulie came to the rescue This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted,"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted..........
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Old 05-19-2007, 07:37 PM   #12
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Where's the dirty jokes?
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