Forgiveness

[C&HBrownsugar]

The fantasy of love, foolish child's play.
It renders one unconscious until it is awoken by love's true kiss.
Children's stories, read over and over.

In actuality, I did not know what love was.
I spent years looking for it
In meaningless kisses
In one night stands,
In a drunken stupor.
Like stumbling around in a dark house looking for a light switch,
swiping the walls, hoping to get lucky
I have never found that light switch

I thought it was like stacking bricks. with mud.
Oh I know, some people have experience at stacking bricks.
But I never have. So I built my concept of love
One brick at a time, carefully...
Carefully, until I realized that I forgot the mud.
I didn't know you needed mud.

Years have passed, relationships have started.
They have fizzled and I was always puzzled.
I kept going to the next one, looking for love, ever elusive.
Always a strange thing, love, always stranger when I thought I had found it.
I married for love.
I was beat for love.
I thought it was love.
Thinking this was love.
I almost died for my definition of love.
Almost died.
I think the scars I carry, physically and mentally are worse.

It took me years to realize that my definition of love was out of wack with reality.
It took me years to realize that I knew what love was that I had been loved my whole life.
By my moms and my dads.
My sisters and my brothers.
It took me years to realize that I could change the definition of love.

My definition of love.
It's not defined by children's stories.
It's not a light switch that needs to be turned on.
It's not a wall that needs to be built.
It's not being dragged thru my house being punched and told that he will kill me.

I knew what it was all along. I just didn't see myself clearly enough. I did not know I had to forgive myself.
I will change that definition yet again.
As soon as I can forgive myself.

I still miss him. I do. I still love him in my own little way.
I will always love him. But I understand now.
That he enjoyed hurting me because I cannot forgive myself.
All those things that he did, all the times that I have cried.
He does not love me, because I cannot forgive myself.
He does not love me, because he does not love himself.

I'm working on it. My definition of love.
I'm working on it. As soon as I forgive myself.

[C&HBrownsugar]

I know I said I wasn't gonna say anything about my life. But here it is.
The divorce was final October 1st. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't talk to his mother either. It's hard to let go. It could be worse if I stayed. July 10th will be 2 years without him. I gave him 6 years of my life.

It's painful to realize that I wasted 6 years on someone that did not love themselves enough to allow themselves to be loved. Does that make sense?

It's more painful though to talk to yourself, to pep talk yourself and list every reason why you should not be together again. To have to remember things that I would rather just leave in the dark.

But I can't. I need to face it so that I can move on.

He get's out soon. July is just around the corner. I'm worried. I'm worried that the attraction will draw me back in. I'm worried that I will allow myself to be held prisoner again. I'm worried that I will lose myself all over again. I'm worried that he will kill me this time.

smh. Just my random thoughts. Sorry if I depressed you. Maybe no one will read this one.

~A.

[DeafElderWoman]

I know I said I wasn't gonna say anything about my life. But here it is.
The divorce was final October 1st. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't talk to his mother either. It's hard to let go. It could be worse if I stayed. July 10th will be 2 years without him. I gave him 6 years of my life.

It's painful to realize that I wasted 6 years on someone that did not love themselves enough to allow themselves to be loved. Does that make sense?

It's more painful though to talk to yourself, to pep talk yourself and list every reason why you should not be together again. To have to remember things that I would rather just leave in the dark.

But I can't. I need to face it so that I can move on.

He get's out soon. July is just around the corner. I'm worried. I'm worried that the attraction will draw me back in. I'm worried that I will allow myself to be held prisoner again. I'm worried that I will lose myself all over again. I'm worried that he will kill me this time.

smh. Just my random thoughts. Sorry if I depressed you. Maybe no one will read this one.

~A.

I do worry about your safety. Not knowing if he will be able to leave you alone so that you can move on. There should be protection for you so I am wondering if you can explain to the police department that you need protection if he get out soon. Maybe you can go under the Witness Protection with FBI. He should never threaten you and might want to hurt or kill you. I hope not. But what about other women that he might hurt them, too? It is very disturbing and hurtful that he would do that to you and other women. He is a dangerous man.

[DeafElderWoman]

No response or word from C&HBrownsugar since June 21, 2015. This is at least one week ago. I hope everything is okay with her. Maybe she is busy.

[wardancer]

she posted 4 days ago.

[C&HBrownsugar]

Here I am, sorry, I been taking care of my uncle and he finally left to visit his grands and his great grands out near NM and AZ and Califas. So I came home to see my sister. I don't have internet or a computer at my house. But I'm still here. Just now logged on and I been here a week. He is out, has been since last Monday.

Kinda just waiting for him to gather his things at my house and blow town. I kept all his tools and clothes and misc. items for the last 2 1/2 years. I just couldn't throw it away. That was a lifetime right there.

But hopefully, he will be by soon and pick his things up and move on. I just can't see him. I think I would send the wrong signals to him about my happiness that he is out but please move on. LOL I'm like that, I get mired in the few and far bewtween good memories and try to hang on.

I know that's how I am, so it's better this way, to just stay away and go back when it's safe. Miss my house though. It's good, spending time with my sister and planning on taking a trip to NM for Thanksgiving to spend time with my new love. Before he goes back to work and I go back to work.

CIAO~!