Marriage/depresion/divorce

[winterwhite]

I'm hoping for some advice. About twelve years ago my husband was diagnosed as a manic depressive and was prescribed Prozac, which he took for several years. He hated the sleeplessnes, nightmares, and sexual side effects. He "weaned" himself off the drugs and with my help learned to live a "normal" life. Very recently two elders he was close to died. His brother and sister won't respond to any of his e-mails and his childhood friends are no longer friends. He became very depressed again, shut me out, and when I would try to talk to him he would snap and yell at me. He isn't very good at expessing his feelings. Now he has told me he wants a divorce because he realizes he is treating me badly and can't stop and isn't sure he wants to try. He refuses to take anti-depresants again. I still love him and want to help him. We have a beautiful nine year old son, whom I will have to take far away from everything he has ever known to live with my parents. Any advice would be welcome.

[wyo_rose]

I agree that long term drug use for depression isn't good. My youngest daughter ended up on so many different meds it was ridiculous. She didn't get better until she went to a rehab that banned ALL drugs.

If your hubby doesn't want to take drugs, he needs to get some counceling and fast. Probably some on his own and some with both of you would be good. My exhusband was court ordered to counceling because of domestic violence and went very reluctantly. But it did us both a world of good.

Or maybe he can find another elder to talk to. And exercise does a world of good for the brain.

Good luck! I'll pray for you.

[winterwhite]

Thanks Wyo.
I have been talking to him and getting to talk to me for five days now. I got him some St. John's wort and some vitamins with ginko. They are the only thing I could think of just to get started.
It is painful for him to express his feelings, so he keeps it all inside. If I can get him to a counceler who get help him express his feelings first, he might learn to communicate more easily. No counceler can help you help yourself if you aren't able to fully and honestly express your feelings.
I've looking through the previous threads and reading them has really helped. I think I need help myself to be able to help him.
It seems like medical websites focus on medicating without knowing how to diagnose each person. How is is possible to treat an illness if you don't know whats causing it? I know its the serotonin levels in the brain, but what causes it to shut off?

[OneidaDreamer]

Divorce and the Ensueing Effects

I'm going through a divorce right now and it's really tough. I was seeing my wife for about 18 very rocky months before I asked her Mother and Grand-Mother for her hand; after i graduated boot camp. (I did ask her too aye!) Then we were together for another 18 months or so; till we separated. We started off really intense, and I moved in the first week we hooked up.


My Father in Law and I get along grandly. Of course Mother In Law, isn't so fond of me. Perhaps thats the unwritten rule...


But my wife and I are still friends, really good friends. It's just that it's so awkward for me to go and see my niece Kalisa. She's my whole life. She's the most precious thing in the universe. I have known her since since some of her first memories. I miss my Princess so much. I just get really jacked up vibes from my Sister in law. It's really killin me not seeing my baby girl...


My wife still calls me and asks why I don't call her more? It's just really damn hard for me to talk to her for too long. Seeing her is awkward too.

I used to hang out with her right after we separated, but the lines got blurred way too much for me. I started to get confused and fall back into our old patterns of behavior towards one another.


I Love my wife soooo soooo much. We didn't separate for lack of love. I grew apart from her. Plus she never trusted me from the beginning of our marriage. She thought I was cheating on her with another indian woman I met while in Hospital Corpsman school. Which of course is bologna. But she would constantly freak out on me about it. Like weekly. My wife also has a drinking problem which subsequently complicated matters as well.


My friends know me; If I'm anything I'M LOYAL TO THE CORE. I never messed with anyone from the Navy or outside work.



I miss my wife to death. We are best friends and she is so friggn intelligent and she knows me so well. I have such fond memories of us and Kalisa and the rest of our family.



It's been a rough year with my divorce and my Naval Career ending spine injury. Lots of depression and pain, both physiological and emotional....


I'm looking forward to new horizons and hopefully I can see my niece without the awkwardness in the coming years. I really want to still be a part of her life. I love her more than life itself. Course I have no children of my own. Can't wait till I have my own babies. Hopefully patience and wisdom will prevail...

Wiigwech for listening to me ramble on about my relationship folks.

[TwoCats]

I feel for you folks. But seriously, the internet is not the place to go for sound medical/mental health advice. The only real obvious thing here is that professional help is definitely needed.

Winterwhite, he's an adult and no one can force him to get the help for the depression he is experiencing. You can do yourself a favor and get some counseling yourself so you don't get caught up in that co-dependent, enabling mode with him. You can only care for yourself and your child. As hard as it is, it sounds like your plans to involve your parents are the healthiest thing for everyone; but please get some help. And, this is such a crummy time of year for this kind of year. I'll keep you in my prayers.

OneidaDreamer, you need to get professional help, too, for all your own issues that you've shared. And, guy, that 'I grew apart from her' is a cop out if you 'really love her soooooooo much'. 'Course, if she does have a substance abuse problem you'll never know if it is the 'booze' talkin' or her until she gets clean. I'll keep you in my prayers, too.

Pilamaye

[wyo_rose]

Good luck to you, Oneida Dreamer. I kept going back to my ex husband after we got divorced, cuz we still had fun, etc... but nothing else had changed, I mean the bad stuff.

Then I read the book, Who Moved My Cheese and realized he was my old cheese and I broke all ties.

My current boyfriend and I had it pretty rocky. We have issues, he has issues, I have issues, but we've stuck it out. I think that's all it takes is a real commitment from both sides. We've fought and made up and he's moved out and I've moved out and we realized we're BOTH miserable when we're apart. But the more we fight, the more we get worked out. Believe it or not.

So you should make a decision, get back together and work it out. Or break it off, if you don't want to do that. Of course this is my humble opinion, and who am I to give anybody relationship advise?????

Anyway, best of luck to you in this new year.

[Creewoman05]

I feel for you folks. But seriously, the internet is not the place to go for sound medical/mental health advice. The only real obvious thing here is that professional help is definitely needed.

Winterwhite, he's an adult and no one can force him to get the help for the depression he is experiencing. You can do yourself a favor and get some counseling yourself so you don't get caught up in that co-dependent, enabling mode with him. You can only care for yourself and your child. As hard as it is, it sounds like your plans to involve your parents are the healthiest thing for everyone; but please get some help. And, this is such a crummy time of year for this kind of year. I'll keep you in my prayers.

OneidaDreamer, you need to get professional help, too, for all your own issues that you've shared. And, guy, that 'I grew apart from her' is a cop out if you 'really love her soooooooo much'. 'Course, if she does have a substance abuse problem you'll never know if it is the 'booze' talkin' or her until she gets clean. I'll keep you in my prayers, too.

Pilamaye

Amen! I couldn't have said it better myself. Seriously see your Dr! as much as peepz mean good out here on the net, health professionals are to be used in situations like this.

[ndngirl70]

We have a beautiful nine year old son, whom I will have to take far away from everything he has ever known to live with my parents. Any advice would be welcome.

Your son should be the most important thing right now. I went through a divorce with a young daughter. It was damn hard. What I had to keep reminding myself is that I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking that it was okay to let a man treat her the way her father treated me. Regardless of the reason for your husband's behavior, do you want your son to treat women that way?

[AngelFeather]

well personally...
i think a thread like this can be good fer a person. Not for professional advise or medical advise.. but just the fact that there are others out there that have been in the same position, and can relate sumtimes it just takes knowing that youre not alone and that yes others struggle too, just hearing other peoples experiences can be a healing thing.

As for medical advise and stuff i do agree.. consult professions. I agree with Wyo, tho.. anti depressants can really mess ya up and throw you totally off trak.

Hang in thier folks.. know that youre not alone and that although it may seem this pain and trial will last forever, it wont. I have had my share of trials in my 18 year marriage and it was just recently that i decided enough was enough. No matter how much you try to love sumone there is only so much a person can take. especially if the pattern tends to keep repeating itself. above all focus on the children and try not to make them the center of the issue, sometimes easier said than done, and also can happen without realising it. Kids.. they are vulnerable during times like this... and we as the parents need to put our hateful spiteful feelings aside and step back and just breath.

HUGGS to all you here..

[OneidaDreamer]

Compassion N8ive Style

well personally...
i think a thread like this can be good fer a person. Not for professional advise or medical advise.. but just the fact that there are others out there that have been in the same position, and can relate sumtimes it just takes knowing that youre not alone and that yes others struggle too, just hearing other peoples experiences can be a healing thing.

As for medical advise and stuff i do agree.. consult professions. I agree with Wyo, tho.. anti depressants can really mess ya up and throw you totally off trak.

Hang in thier folks.. know that youre not alone and that although it may seem this pain and trial will last forever, it wont. I have had my share of trials in my 18 year marriage and it was just recently that i decided enough was enough. No matter how much you try to love sumone there is only so much a person can take. especially if the pattern tends to keep repeating itself. above all focus on the children and try not to make them the center of the issue, sometimes easier said than done, and also can happen without realising it. Kids.. they are vulnerable during times like this... and we as the parents need to put our hateful spiteful feelings aside and step back and just breath.

HUGGS to all you here..

You have such Love Angel. I like the way you conveyed this message in particular... Right on Sister...

[wyo_rose]

I agree...good words, AF!! **insert group hug smiley here**

[AngelFeather]

[neling4]

What can you do for depression? I don't mean drugs, either prescription or over-the-counter, but things you can do for yourself, like exercising.

[wyo_rose]

Alternative treatment for depression

Hi Neling,

Check out the link above. I hope you find something that helps.

I really don't remember posting in here years ago. But I see that me and AF both mispelled 'advice'.

I left out how I felt when I went through a bout of depression. Of course I didn't even realize at the time that I was probably depressed. I just wanted to sleep all the time... didn't even want to to get up at all. It seems like it looks awhile to gradually come out of it.

Good luck to you, and just know that you have friends that want to help.

[yaahl]

Hi Neling:

There's lots of good alternatives to treating depression outside of the mainstream pharmaceutical treatments but first you have to be aware of what is the underlying cause of your depression.

Some depressions and their symptoms are what the docs call extraneous factors. It means that a certain external event or events have taken place which have caused a depressive reaction. I went through this when my parents died. It's considered short term by the docs and may not require extensive drug treatment but it really does need a source to talk it out. Internalization of the symptoms can cause a cascading effect on the individual.

Other depressions are caused directly by the environment, especially locations where the amount of daylight/sunshine is reduced or non-existent. The symptoms fall under a category called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Exposure to full spectrum light may help significantly.

Then there are chemical imbalanced depressions. These may involve all the above symptoms as well as the brain not firing all the necessary chemicals that keep the body from reacting. Some schools of thought say that most chemical depressions are caused by a lack of serotonin production (that's the hormone that gets you up in the morning and keeps you awake). Instead of serotonin, the body produces melatonin which is the hormone that your body produces to stay asleep (and partly the reason folks feel like they could sleep all day). Serotonin can be produced by the body's exposure to sunlight (full spectrum). There is also another school of thought that claims that lack of vitamin D can cause the body to reduce the serotonin levels. Vitamin D is found in milk, margarine and the neat part is it can be absorbed by the body when exposed to the sun. (a physical disease caused by the lack of vit D is called rickets - leaves the sufferer with bowed legs among some of the symptoms) Other vitamin deficiencies may also cause depressive symptoms so it's worth having that checked out.

I think in my most humble opinion that an examination is necessary to determine what are the underlying causes to the depression before one can decide on treatment. Many persons suffering from depression, are unable to objectively identify what could be serious symptoms - suicidal thoughts, self harming, impulsive behaviour resulting in negative consequences, etc. I would urge you to seek assistance with the diagnosis and then plan out an alternative treatment.

Some of the alternative treatments could include anything from light therapy to talk therapy to vitamin therapy to pharmaceutical therapy. It will all depend on the layers of symptoms you can find when you discuss this with a health provider. Please don't self diagnose - if it is depression caused by a chemical imbalance, you may not be able to see all of the potential harm objectively.