How do you approach someone about rehab?

[whitewave]

So I have a friend who definetly has a substance problem....if its not alcohal (which it usually is) it has to be SOME kind of drug. He scared the hell outta me last night when he took WAY too many pills in absence of the alcohal. He works all day without any substance, but he seems to freak out if he goes a day without some kind of substance. He's such a great person and I absolutely adore him, but he needs help.
He seems to KINDA know he has a problem but will often make excuses like he wouldn't need it if he weren't so bored or so lonely, or could sleep, or whatever. How do I approach him about it without making him get defensive or hurt or insulted or any of that? Any suggestions? I'm really scared for him.

[SheTurtle]

Dao go te, White Wave! I used to be that addict, and no amount of coaxing on anyone else's part was ever enough to make me change. What it took was for me to hit my bottom, which for me, was an emotional one. I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, but that process took almost 25 years and many, many relationships.

Do yourself a favor and try to find a meeting of Nar-Anon, or if you can't find one, find some Al-Anon meetings. Try at least six meetings before you make up your mind about these 12 step fellowships. I've been on both sides of this particular equation. I was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict married to an alcoholic. With a lot of help from others who have walked my path, a good therapist, and my Creator, I was able to accept the fact that his disease was beyond my control. By setting limits about what was acceptable and what was not, I was finally able to arrange an intervention and get him into his third rehab. By the Grace and Generosity of my Creator, and through many, many prayers, he has been sober for almost 16 years, and next year I will have 20 years of recovery.

Our Creator has blessed you with the courage to speak up about this hardship, and that makes me grateful. Please PM me if you would like to talk more about this.

Many Blessings!

[warhoop]

I used to work in a rehab center, and she turtle is right. It takes a person to hit rock bottom before they finally realize that it's time to get serious.
There is no easy way in talking to an addict about these matters. They will get defensive, they will get upset, that's the denial working through them. If he understands that he needs help then things may be a little easier. Because he has seen that he needs help.
I will tell you one thing, if he has been hitting it hard for a long time, then he is going to need someone to stand beside him while he goes through the rehab, for support.
I wish you the best of luck in your trying to help him, but remember one thing treatment and rehab only works if you want it to.

[whitewave]

Thank you both so much. I wish he could care about himself as much as I care about him!

[ok24stacey]

I can only echo what you've heard above. It's the only way a lot of people take those first steps to recovery. I think you are a good friend for seeking advice on your friends behalf. Support for the addict is a important role to put yourself in. I'm a part of a group called ACOA. Adult Children of Alcoholics and have planted my Dad in countless rehabs or facilities. It was a hard and a long process but eventually when he was told to pick dying or drinking, he made the committment needed to save his life and the relationships with his family and friends. And I'll tell you, in my lifetime I never, ever thought he'd get sober and stay sober. I'm thankful everyday that I was wrong about that. I think his 7th year of sobriety is coming up, so it can be done. Just help yourself along the way, too.

[Zeke]

So I have a friend who definetly has a substance problem....if its not alcohal (which it usually is) it has to be SOME kind of drug. He scared the hell outta me last night when he took WAY too many pills in absence of the alcohal. He works all day without any substance, but he seems to freak out if he goes a day without some kind of substance. He's such a great person and I absolutely adore him, but he needs help.
He seems to KINDA know he has a problem but will often make excuses like he wouldn't need it if he weren't so bored or so lonely, or could sleep, or whatever. How do I approach him about it without making him get defensive or hurt or insulted or any of that? Any suggestions? I'm really scared for him.

You and I disagree about a lot, but this subject is far too important for such.

Truly, "you've got to let him crash." I mean to the point of really ugly. Until this person ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY for where they are at, and what they do, you are merely enabling by caring.

I know you disdain it when I use the word "accountability," but this person has got to want it for THEM. Until they do, you cannot help.

Unfortunately, many don't "want it" until the other choice is a pine box.

Damn. Sorry.

Others appear to have good advice.

[whitewave]

I am fully prepared to be his shoulder. I just hope he doesn't kill himself in the process. It would be a great loss, all he seems to care about is helping other people. We can't lose another one of those....there are too few of us.

[superndngyrl]

trynna make me go to rehab and I say no, no, no...

Buncha Indians theme song. ayeee

[whitewave]

[QUOTE=Zeke;952202]
I know you disdain it when I use the word "accountability," but this person has got to want it for THEM. Until they do, you cannot help.

Unfortunately, many don't "want it" until the other choice is a pine box.

QUOTE]

The thing is he does not value himself. He doesnt care about what happens to him until I remind him that someone has to teach his son how to be a man and when I remind him that if he dies he won't be able to help ANYONE or ever be an elder to share the wisdom and lessons he does have. I'm just hoping he will want it at least for his baby. I hope he can learn from his daddys mistakes...

Can't help but care, even if I wanted to....its what I do.

[Zeke]

Can't help but care, even if I wanted to....its what I do.

Wasn't a judgment.

I spent years as a State Parole Officer, putting cuffs on people, watching these things play out.

Prison is, often, not enough deterrent to keep folks from choosing this lifestyle. Occasionally, death isn't even enough. Worse, related to family, sometimes folks rationalize that it is "best" if they're not around...

It's all very ugly.

The only truism I ever found was that -- unless they wanted, more than anything, to clean up -- they didn't. (sigh)

Depressing. :(

[whitewave]

Occasionally, death isn't even enough. Worse, related to family, sometimes folks rationalize that it is "best" if they're not around...

It's all very ugly.

(sigh)

Depressing. :(

Finally we agree on something

[SheTurtle]

Whitewave, Narcotics Anonymous outlines the consequences of addiction in a simple four-word phrase: "Jails, institutions, or death."

You are apply logical thought to an illogical process. Logically, your friend should care more about himself and his baby, but his addiction renders him incapable of doing that except on an intermittent basis. His thought processes as an addict do not match up with your thought processes as a straight person. It can't. It won't.

The problems faced by addicts and alcoholics are physical, emotional, and spiritual in nature. Fortunately, recovery is also physical, emotional, and spiritual in nature.

I take meetings to addicts and alcoholics in jails and rehabs, and I pray I don't have to go to another funeral for another addicts who dies. It truly sucks. The good news is that I have seen some of these women come out of jail, and they are living happier, more productive lives as sober women. I see some folks come out of rehab, and they are staying clean. There is a lot of hope out there, even for those who have hit pretty low bottoms.

How is your friend's family on this issue? Are they struggling, too, with this issue?

[WocusWoman]

I'm in school to get my degrees to become an alcohol/drug counselor currently, and have personal experience and knowledge with these issues. Yes, it takes a person to hit rock bottom in their addiction, however, everyone's "bottom" is different. You need to let this person know, that you will not stand by and watch them hit "rock bottom" but you will be their when they go and get the help they need to clean up and get better. You can pray for them and hope "bottom" does not mean death or injury to them or others, and you might even share that with him or her. Do not enable this person, sometimes the reality of losing a good friend or family member will wake them to the situation, if it doesn't, it only means that this person really is sick inside and not ready to give up their love of alcohol or drug. Only an addict can make up their own mind to really get clean and happy within themself, they need to come to this conclusion before rehab will work. It most likely will takes several tries as often times it does. Being a good friend, sometimes means being honest with yourself and the other person.

[whitewave]

How is your friend's family on this issue? Are they struggling, too, with this issue?

Well he was in foster care for a while as a preteen because his dad was doin some hard drugs so much. Him and his dad go drinking together now. His mom doesn't have too much influence on him cause she turned his back on him at that same age. I don't think his grandma knows, but I think she's the only family member he'd really listen to. I don't know his fam too well cause they're out of state. He's always felt like they didn't really care for him though.

[Joe G]

Whitewave, it's going to be a long hard road for you, as well as him. Hope he makes it, and you dont get hurt in the mean time. I have seen these types of people go either way, but for the ones that made it, it was tough.