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  • Domestic Abuse and children

    I'm wrting this to vent and also to see if anyone has any good resources for a member of my family. This relative has been in a domestic abuse relationship for the past 3 years or so. Sometimes she will leave the guy or kick him out but she always goes back to him. Bad enough that she continues to take him back but she also has a daughter that often witnesses the abuse. I am seeing this as a cycle of abuse and am worried about the little girl that she will learn this dysfunctional behavior from her mother, as I believe that my relative must have learned it from her mother and so on and so an. We have tried talking to the relative and encourage her to stay strong and not take him back, but she always takes him back. My relative is the one that works, and maintains the payments for everything, the man doesn't work and also abuses alcohol. I see no valid reason why this relative stays in this relationship. Does anyone have any insight into this type of cycle of abuse? :Cry

  • #2
    Dom. Abuse

    From the outside, the solution always seems simple -- kick the bumb out -- or leave. I watched my sister go through 20 years of a similiar situation. It did have a devasting effect on her kids -- especially the boys. They are very much like their dad.

    But, I suppose when a person is in the relationship, getting out doesn't seem so easy.

    Check local domestic violence shelters or organizations in your area to see if there are support groups she could go to, or outreach workers. Sometimes hearing the family's negative thoughts about the abuser just makes the person being abused stick it out because of simple stubborness. Sometimes an outside person's words carry more weight.

    And, he has probably torn apart her self esteem. Try to build it up. Find ways to tell her she is wonderful. She has to believe in herself to get out.

    My sister finally got out. She is much happier.

    Good luck to your relative.

    OWS
    Seeing the result of our actions should not be why we act; it should be the action itself.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you

      Thank you for answering this thread, One who seeks. I was wondering if anyone would reply but I understand it's not a fun topic and this subject doesn't have easy answers. Yes I am on the outside looking in, this time. I used to be in a bad relationship but I got out as soon as I could, so I understand a little of what my niece is going through. However I can't understand why she is staying with him for so long. I believe you are right, that he must be tearing apart her self esteem, as my niece can do much better, she is young and beautiful. I am thinking of turning to the social service agencies so that someone could talk with her, for her daughter's sake, and to let her know that she is not alone. Usually when she goes back to the creep, she stays away from all her family and friends because she knows we are mad at him. I would just leave the whole situation alone but sems like each time, the abuse gets worse and my niece's daughter is always around to see it happen. This child is one of my grandchildren, and I worry about all of the impacts this type of thing carries, especially for the rest of her life. Thanks for the resources, I will check into the options as soon as I can. :Angel2

      Comment


      • #4
        I also watched my daughter go through this . They have to find the strength an the will within them to say enough is enough. The child should be reason enough to stop the madness.
        She can call the Battered Womans line in her area many groups willing to help .. But the terms are strick they make no bones about it.
        If the child is suffering then it is up to you to call the DHS an make steps to protect that child . Yes it is always hard when it is family but .. the child is our futrue . I took custody of my grand daughter until thankfuly my daughter got her life in order .
        It took 11 years but she is now on the right track an has a good family , home an a strong Black Foot man .
        Your sister must do this for herself an her child or it wont work .
        I feel for you . NO easy fix to this listen to your heart an do what is in it even tho on the outside ppl an things say no its wrong . Think of the child first everyone else comes second . Just my 2 on it .:D
        Better known an loved as Men~Nie Turtles !
        Life is what you make it. Becareful what you give . You just might get it back!

        Comment


        • #5
          I think when wife beating/child abuse takes place with a family member, too many of us act like nothings going on. Like it's none of our business that a mom, sister, daughter or whoever gets abused. But if we spoke out about it or took action or got an agency involved then things will change, the cycle would get broken. I think that raising awareness will go a long way as far as getting women to leave their abusive husbands/boyfriends. What's sad is I know a few abused women say they don't care and they have no hope. And the only way they broke free is if their husband or boyfriend died or was sent to prison. And I am often resented for speaking out. But that's something I learned to live with. Cause I'm not going to stop caring about other people. And maybe somewhere down the road somebody will thank me for "getting all up in their business"

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          • #6
            Originally posted by MenNie Turtles
            I also watched my daughter go through this . They have to find the strength an the will within them to say enough is enough. The child should be reason enough to stop the madness.
            She can call the Battered Womans line in her area many groups willing to help .. But the terms are strick they make no bones about it.
            If the child is suffering then it is up to you to call the DHS an make steps to protect that child . Yes it is always hard when it is family but .. the child is our futrue . I took custody of my grand daughter until thankfuly my daughter got her life in order .
            It took 11 years but she is now on the right track an has a good family , home an a strong Black Foot man .
            Your sister must do this for herself an her child or it wont work .
            I feel for you . NO easy fix to this listen to your heart an do what is in it even tho on the outside ppl an things say no its wrong . Think of the child first everyone else comes second . Just my 2 on it .:D
            I COMPLETELY agree with you! As a licensed social worker, I too often have seen the ramifications of what witnessing abuse can do to children. Unless your relative seeks help, if not for herself, then for her child, I can only recomend you seek professional help from the local social service agency. Possibly you are in the position to take the child in for awhile? I do not know, but I do know that the longer the child witnesses this behavior, his/her chances of being a victim of abuse increases as well.

            I wish you strength in working through this situation!

            Comment


            • #7
              i just read the as soon as I can part ...Um its like this an forgive the blunt reply .. You stop what you are doing pick up the phone an call DHS to protect the child . Its not like they are going to take that baby to a stranger you make them aware the you are willing to take that child till the mother sets her house in order . Or you become like the rest of american an you wait .....Till its to late ...yeah sound mean but its truth ...wait an watch ..time ...well that child has no choice ..you do!
              Better known an loved as Men~Nie Turtles !
              Life is what you make it. Becareful what you give . You just might get it back!

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by MenNie Turtles
                i just read the as soon as I can part ...Um its like this an forgive the blunt reply .. You stop what you are doing pick up the phone an call DHS to protect the child . Its not like they are going to take that baby to a stranger you make them aware the you are willing to take that child till the mother sets her house in order . Or you become like the rest of american an you wait .....Till its to late ...yeah sound mean but its truth ...wait an watch ..time ...well that child has no choice ..you do!
                If you read the post the time was at 7:56 at night when I wrote that, so the "as soon as I can" meant that I had to wait until morning. I live in a small rural Native community where the offices open at 8:00 in the morning. FYI, First thing this morning I called the agency and am getting help for my niece and grand daughter. So I am NOT just waiting and being passive. :)

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                • #9
                  Good for you Kakeeya! I am sure that was a very hard thing for you to do, but know, you did the RIGHT thing! Your relative is lucky to have you!

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                  • #10
                    :D my bad good girl.
                    Better known an loved as Men~Nie Turtles !
                    Life is what you make it. Becareful what you give . You just might get it back!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Hello! It's true, it's not easy for someone to talk about Domestic Abuse or anykind of abuse!

                      I was 20 years old and in that kind of a relationship. I became pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl. She is now 18 months old. I am now 22 years old. I grew up around a well respected family here on our reservation. I was second in my high school class at graduation. I got my two-year degree. I working on my four-year now.

                      I did the same thing over and over with my ex, who is the father of my girl. He never beat me though, just grabbed me to tight where it left bruises (sp?) There were at least three times where he did hit me and another time when he through me against a wal. He abused alcohol and as of today, still continues to abuse alcohol. Well before my daughter could walk - I left him for good! When he was out drinking on evening, I decided that it was time to leave him for good. I packed up me and my daughter's belongings and left, never looked backed.

                      Yes, it was hard for me to leave him but I did and I glad to be a single mother. I wouldn't want my daughter watching me get abused by her father or by any other so called man.

                      He doesn't come around to see his daughter and neither do her grandparents on my baby's fathers side of the family.

                      I have never seen a counselor of this but I have my family to thank.
                      In Loving Memory of Allen Alberts Sr.
                      March 1, 1945 to February 16, 2005
                      R.I.P Daddy
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                      As long as you keep a person down, some part of you is down there to hold that person down. So you don't soar higher than you want.



                      ~~~CutHead Band of Sioux~~~


                      ~~Native Pride~~


                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thanks everyone for all of your input! I guess I already knew what I was supposed to do but needed a lil support from my cyber pals. So thank you!
                        Holy Elk, Good to hear that you got out of the abusive situation! Stay strong little sister! I'm happy for all women that get out of those relationships, I know it's hard, I've been there too and not ever going back.
                        The lady that I spoke to about my niece told me that she will see her immediately and that yes it is child abuse, cuz my grand daughter is a witness. She is also going to get information about safe houses and refer my niece to a counsellor so she can get additional support.

                        :)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Kakeeya --

                          I'm glad you took such quick actions! I know it was not easy. I have called child welfare about my sister's family before, and I agonized over it. She did not know it was me who had called until years later, when I told her. However, the situation I was concerned about was resolved.

                          Take care,

                          OWS
                          Seeing the result of our actions should not be why we act; it should be the action itself.

                          Comment

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