HELP! Ending a relationship

[shyannmason]

I just left my boyfriend of 4 years and I think we are better off as friends. But what if he still wants a relationship and I feel like I need to be alone right now.

[~pathwalker~]

I just left my boyfriend of 4 years and I done it to teach him a lesson about responsibility, but I'm scared I'm gonna lose him for good. I thought if I wasn't here for him to always fall back on maybe he would he appreciate me more and help me. Am I right or will I lose him?

Good Morning SAM. Im so sorry that you are going through this. I know its hard. I can tell you that I did this same thing. BE STRONG AND STAND BY IT! I mean it. My relationship has never been better since I did this. The only way it will not work is if you compromise your feelings and beliefs about the problems and GIVE IN because you are afraid of losing him. I know its hard. I was scared and cried everyday for a month. The second month I got my head straight and got strong. BUT I never let go of my feelings of what I needed from the relationship. It meant that much to me. If you give in to your emotions and compromise what you need from him, for him to be responsible, then it will not change at all and things will be the same. Also be careful of a quick apology and the I will do better thing that he may say. Its ok if this comes quick but once you discuss your needs and HIS NEEDS (you must never forget that he has needs too, that you may not even know about, its good to ask what you can do to help the relationshipp and really listen to his answers.) DONT let things slide, the minute you see old ways come through calmly sit him down and communicate to him that he his letting the habit re-appear. You will have to change you enabling ways too so its not just him because you have let him do this for four years, even if you have been kicking and screaming the whole time you have still LET him by not putting your foot down until now. This is not meant as an attack on you. We all do it because we love and accept the person. What i mean is change is NEVER a one way street. He has to want to change and you must look deep inside of yourself and see what you can do different to help this work right. Also remember that he does LOVE you. I do not think you will lose him. This is not the thing that you lose someone over. CHEATING is what you lose someone over. If you had said you left him because he cheated I would of said Forget him. But I do know what you are talking about and have been through it. You two can work this out and also remember that he is probably just as hurt right now as you are. You have been together for four years. He wont replace you in a week. Trust this, if he is the right man for you and you the right one for him, this will only help your relationship. I know sounds weird but sometimes people need to step back from something to gain perspective on it and grow. I really hope it all works out for you. If you want to talk in private you can always PM or HUBZ me and I am here for you. BIG HUGZ girl. If you need me....

[shyannmason]

Hey PW thanks for being the one who responded first! I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one who has to go through this. I feel so bad b/c he's trying to use our daughter to make me feel bad and I can't help but feel hurt and he crys about me leaving him. But I haven't been happy in this relationship for along time. But it hurt me to know that I've caused him so much pain. But I want him to grow up and do whats right. I did always give into him but now I'm standing my ground and sticking to my decision. It just hurts!!

[~pathwalker~]

I know how much it hurts but think of it as not the end but the begining of something better. He will do the work that he needs to to make things better, he doesnt want to lose you or his daughter. Stand your ground by not going back home until he shows you that he is ready for responsibility. I dont mean you cant see him or go places together but if you tell him you are willing to work on things if he is then STAY where you are UNTIL you see improvement and it feels like you both want it to feel. If you go back to soon he will change for a short period of time and then it will slip right back into the same. Give it time so that he KNOWS you are serious. I DO KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT> Please write to me and we can talk in much further detail. I have to have surgery on monday but I will Be able to come online for short periods of time by wendsday or so. I have been through this same thing several times and am here for you.

[Annie Fawn]

Good Advise Pathwalker! Hope Shyannmasons boyfriend realizes that she means business and what he could loose. Most guys do in about a week or so.

[Plenty Fox]

I just left my boyfriend of 4 years and I done it to teach him a lesson about responsibility, but I'm scared I'm gonna lose him for good. I thought if I wasn't here for him to always fall back on maybe he would he appreciate me more and help me. Am I right or will I lose him?

Hi there. Anything I say in response to your post, comes from having been around the block too many times, okay? I'd love to save you some grief, but I know we all have to do things our own way and learn in the process.

A) You left him to teach HIM a lesson. The only person we have control over is ourselves. Everytime we think we are going to 'show so and so a thing or to' or 'teach THEM about responsbility' we are spinning our wheels. You are giving him TOO much power and every time you leave him and come back will reinforce how unserious he should take you and he will manipulate you again and again--because you've let him. Usually this ploy only backfires on us and makes the hurt worse.

B) You're scared you are going to lose him. This is NOT a game. At least it shouldn't be. You should do things, stick by your guns and mean what you do. THAT said, I've done what you're doing often enough. He is not the only man in the sea; wouldn't you rather have a man who respects you and treats you well?

C) You say that maybe if you weren't there for him to always fall back on maybe he would appreciate you more and help you. 1) help you? Don't sound so needy! 2) Appreciate you more? See paragraph A.

At this point, your questions shouldn't be 'Am I right or will I lose him'; but rather 'What can I do so that I look for healthy relationships?' What you describe here is "codependence". You are not alone, Sister. Welcome to the Club. But, I hope for your sake you look after yourself and make healthy choices; ones you won't regret later.

[injunboy]

oh man im going to say plenty fox is correct. just about everything you said had something wrong with it.

for starters, become more independent. just because hes the father dont mean you have to be clingy. this is gonna sound dumb but start dating him again and start talking. but ummm thats it! dont hop in the sack. start a relationship based on your perception of how you want to live. he can choose to be part of the program or not.

individually i think you need to move to the next level. become a woman... you dont need a crutch to lean on. start thinking ahead for yourself, do things for your family, maybe make some (more) goals, and become this confident woman that dont need this junk in your life.

as for him, maybe he had a mother or somebody like this in his life. and when you came along you provided this service to him and he didnt feel the need for change. after all its been working. examine that part and see what you see. i wish there was an analogy for this soo you can understand. maybe take my horse. if i feed him around the house and provide his water and feed. he wont leave and eat the grass and water thats already out there somewhere. lol, hell just hang around waiting for supper. haha, maybe that wasnt such a good analogy but somewhere in there you get the message.

btw confident chicks, they are sooooooooo yummy.

[~pathwalker~]

Good Advice Injunboy. But I have to say one thing. She does LOVE this guy and I know just what she is going through. Lets say he did have a mother like this. One that did everything for him. Maybe he doesnt know how to be responsible because he only knows what he was taught. Going with that. Does this make him a bad GUY? Hes not beating on her, hes not cheating on her, he loves her and his daughter with all of his heart. Why then cant she help him learn things? Why is it always, find someone else. That is not ALWAYS the answer. If a relationship is worth it but there are some problems, whats wrong with steppin back and re-evaluating the What can make things work better? I do say the same thing as injunboy about the dating thing. It worked in my situation. My hubby had a mom that did EVERYTHING for him. So did his first wife. I wont. I started out doing it though. I was very young and like alot of young women playing grown-up, I thought that you were supposed to. Well this probably got me to where SAM is now. So I couldnt handle things and hes standin there confused as to whats the problem cause it was all he had ever known. My answer at the time was do it all yourself. And he did. For a little over two months I would NOT live with him. He had to take care of some things that he had wanted me too do like the sale of the other house and similiar things before I would believe that he wanted to work on himself and our marrige. And he did. Isnt it kinda like tough love? I know, we shouldnt have to raise our spouses, but theres alot worse things than NOT understanding and only knowing one way to live. If she loves him and him her, there are ways to work it out. I have been with my man for 14 years now and dont think there could be a better friend, husband and PARTNER for me. But SAM, The best advice is to follow what your heart is telling you about weather to leave him for good or not WHILE sticking to your guns on what you need out of the relationship. There is alot of good advice here and I agree with all of it except to just forget about him. UNLESS he wont change, and then you have too. Im not big on CHANGING people, so maybe a better way to put it is IF he refuses to grow. Good Luck and big hugz!

[little wolf]

Looks like you have alot of good advise here.. I'm sorry, I can't give you any, I'm having problems with my relatiionship of many years. It's really hard to deal with. We (mainly me) try one thing then another and another etc.....The pain is just about unbearable at times. I try to follow my heart most of the times, but that doesn't work for me. Sorry, I can't help.. Good luck!

[Plenty Fox]

oh man im going to say plenty fox is correct. just about everything you said had something wrong with it.

for starters, become more independent. just because hes the father dont mean you have to be clingy. this is gonna sound dumb but start dating him again and start talking. but ummm thats it! dont hop in the sack. start a relationship based on your perception of how you want to live. he can choose to be part of the program or not.

individually i think you need to move to the next level. become a woman... you dont need a crutch to lean on. start thinking ahead for yourself, do things for your family, maybe make some (more) goals, and become this confident woman that dont need this junk in your life.

as for him, maybe he had a mother or somebody like this in his life. and when you came along you provided this service to him and he didnt feel the need for change. after all its been working. examine that part and see what you see. i wish there was an analogy for this soo you can understand. maybe take my horse. if i feed him around the house and provide his water and feed. he wont leave and eat the grass and water thats already out there somewhere. lol, hell just hang around waiting for supper. haha, maybe that wasnt such a good analogy but somewhere in there you get the message.

btw confident chicks, they are sooooooooo yummy.

AMEN! And as he said, DON'T HOP IN THE SACK!!!!

The last thing you need right now is another pregnancy. And since you are not 'firing on all cylinders' your judgment might not be the best re: birth control. Please use it. I see too many gals in therapy that thought a baby would make the world better again. Wrong.

I'd just like to say something about love. It can be the darndest thing. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they are the right person for YOU! If you had a few hours I'd tell you about that from a personal standpoint. You have to love yourself first, in a healthy way. ESTEEM = CONFIDENCE, and as 'da man' above says "confident chicks, they are soooooooooo yummy!"

Call it what you will...gut feeling, intuition, inner voice...when that 'something' is telling you something is not 'right' even though your heart is full; listen to that 'something'--it is usually right. Once we start trying to rationalize, justify and find excuses for not 'listening' to that 'something' is when we often make the wrong decision. LISTEN to that SOMETHING [gut feeling, intuition, inner voice].

[**jdazmum**]

I think it's great for the guy's advices, I wish I had some during my mistakes, but I overcame pain and suffering just like you too. I bet alot of people did, that's why they are the ones to give good advice. If you feel like it's right in your heart and your mind is telling you it is wrong, go with your heart. No one deserves a unhealthy relationship. Everyone deserves happiness and a companionship that is working. I'm sorry about your situation. Hope it works out and take it slow like IB said, start dating again. Rekindle the romance and if it doesn't feel right, become friends for the child's sake. That's important for the child in the future. Good luck girl.

Great advices people.

[49in_ndn]

Good advice.. this helps me too cause I am going through the same thing but this time for me I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore. Why try and work on a relationship if you have to hold the person's hand all the way through. I thought it would be better for me to move on because I thought if I did the same thing and said get your life together and learn some responsibilities then maybe we could work things out but he didn't like that. The bad thing is that he had his family to fall back on. So if he didn't have someone to take care of things for him in this relationship then he would go to his family. So there he lives off his parents and he's 29 years old. You really have to ask yourself if they are really going to change. And it that's the case then it will be worth working on. But if it isn't then it's better to move on so you can straighten out your life and be able to strive and succeed for your daughter because that's what's important. I always thought about my daughter and thought would I want her to see how I get treated and used as a door mat all the time and then she would think that is ok to be treated that way in a relationship. But like everyone else said Stand your ground! Me and my guy have split and got back together so finally this last time I stood my ground he didn't know what to do. He pouted and cried and eventually got down right ugly about everything and his true colors came out. So that made me question if I want that apart of my life forever. And I don't so now I am happy being able to make choices and feel confident in all that I do without his negativity hanging around.

[AngieBuns]

Good Morning SAM. Im so sorry that you are going through this. I know its hard. I can tell you that I did this same thing. BE STRONG AND STAND BY IT! I mean it. My relationship has never been better since I did this. The only way it will not work is if you compromise your feelings and beliefs about the problems and GIVE IN because you are afraid of losing him. I know its hard. I was scared and cried everyday for a month. The second month I got my head straight and got strong. BUT I never let go of my feelings of what I needed from the relationship. It meant that much to me. If you give in to your emotions and compromise what you need from him, for him to be responsible, then it will not change at all and things will be the same. Also be careful of a quick apology and the I will do better thing that he may say. Its ok if this comes quick but once you discuss your needs and HIS NEEDS (you must never forget that he has needs too, that you may not even know about, its good to ask what you can do to help the relationshipp and really listen to his answers.) DONT let things slide, the minute you see old ways come through calmly sit him down and communicate to him that he his letting the habit re-appear. You will have to change you enabling ways too so its not just him because you have let him do this for four years, even if you have been kicking and screaming the whole time you have still LET him by not putting your foot down until now. This is not meant as an attack on you. We all do it because we love and accept the person. What i mean is change is NEVER a one way street. He has to want to change and you must look deep inside of yourself and see what you can do different to help this work right. Also remember that he does LOVE you. I do not think you will lose him. This is not the thing that you lose someone over. CHEATING is what you lose someone over. If you had said you left him because he cheated I would of said Forget him. But I do know what you are talking about and have been through it. You two can work this out and also remember that he is probably just as hurt right now as you are. You have been together for four years. He wont replace you in a week. Trust this, if he is the right man for you and you the right one for him, this will only help your relationship. I know sounds weird but sometimes people need to step back from something to gain perspective on it and grow. I really hope it all works out for you. If you want to talk in private you can always PM or HUBZ me and I am here for you. BIG HUGZ girl. If you need me....

Excellent advice path, sorry to hear about ur situation Shy! I dealt with something similar myself, but we had to part ways for good. Life does get better, I can attest to it. I found though I am just going to see what prospects are out there, and where it all leads. If yu want to pm me, feel free to do so!

[shyannmason]

Hey everyone Thank you for all the advise you all have given me I will take all advise into consideration.

[**jdazmum**]

49-right choice. It sucks when it gets ugly too...then all the "I love you" was for nothing. That's why when you say "I love you", better really mean it. Oh, one advice, don't hold back when you want to speak the truth. It might be nagging to men, but to us it's not. Don't just keep your opinions and feelings sheltered inside, if you give in all the time and keep saying you're sorry, it's gonna always be that way. Then later, you'll be saying, "I should've said this instead". It's funny, when relationships go sour, that's when the real you comes out. All the things you ever wanted to say, the bottled anger comes out! LMAO!!! just laughing, because I did it. Anyway...........don't take our words lightly, we all know what it means to move on. I did and I'm content with my husband.