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  • Tough Love

    When your kids are making really bad choices, how the heck do you make them understand that by helping them stay on the right track is not making decisions for them? my kid is 650 miles away from me at school had a major melt down and wants to come home. I think he needs to stay in school so my uncle is going up there to help him get back on track and all are going in a couple weeks to see him.. than we'll go to see him once a month etc he comes home after december for a month.. when I talked to him today, he said it sounds like we are making his decisions for him but he's not looking at whats best for his future. how do I stay strong and make him understand I do this cause I love him and this is really best.
    Last edited by Dawn_B; 10-21-2007, 05:04 PM.

  • #2
    How old is your kid?

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    • #3
      he'll be 20 next month so there is really not much I can do per say, except sit back and watch thats why I am asking cause I really feel hopeless.

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      • #4
        Sometimes, they just have to learn for themselves right or wrong. My little sister graduated from a college in Missouri with her Bachlors Degree, was accepted to Texas A&M, where she was going to school on a full scholarship for her Master's and her Doctorate; and after her first year she decided she was done. No matter what any of us tried to tell her. She said what she was doing in school wasn't what she thought it would be. That was this past summer. Wether she made the right choice or not, only she knows for sure. But she isn't making the type of money she could have made with all those fancy initials after her name.
        The things you are doing today are the traditions of twenty-five years from now.
        -Daryl Baldwin: Miami


        https://www.facebook.com/SpottedeagleFans

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        • #5
          This is really not easy.... maybe he isn't sure about himself being loved unconditionally? Maybe he is just in a kind of exploring-phase?

          I'm sure you will find out what his motivation is that makes him think the way he does right now. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I can't.

          The only thing I know is that
          I know some young men of his age,
          and sometimes they want responsibility-
          and when they get it they often can't handle it....
          and sometimes they don't want to be responsible
          for their own future
          and can't handle this either.

          I wish him and you the very best!

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          • #6
            Hmmm a couple of years of burger flippin' type wages, and the bills having his name on them (not yours) should cause reality to set in.
            When I first started college, I was that way too, just wanted to party and quit. Well, after a little of the above^^ and a military tour, I could NOT wait to get back to school!!! Reality is a REAL good teacher!

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            • #7
              thats one of the interesting things about simple questions......they almost never come with simple answers

              The older I get the less of a deterrent life without parole gets

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              • #8
                Ok, remember all or most of use were 20 once upon a time. Hell, I got married at age twenty and had my first child. So far, so good. Just remember to have faith in god that you raised him right. I agree that him knowing he's loved unconditionally will go a long way in helping him gain strength in himself. Be supportive of things he likes to do that are healthy activities, and make sure he is aware that he will get out of life, what he has put into it. People for the most part are not handed things easily, they work and earn those things that are precious.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Dawn_B View Post
                  When your kids are making really bad choices, how the heck do you make them understand that by helping them stay on the right track is not making decisions for them? my kid is 650 miles away from me at school had a major melt down and wants to come home. I think he needs to stay in school so my uncle is going up there to help him get back on track and all are going in a couple weeks to see him.. than we'll go to see him once a month etc he comes home after december for a month.. when I talked to him today, he said it sounds like we are making his decisions for him but he's not looking at whats best for his future. how do I stay strong and make him understand I do this cause I love him and this is really best.
                  Hi Dawn. My questions would be...Why is it best that he has to go to school 650 miles away? Is it a special type of school? Did he make the choice to go there, or did both of you choose it for his best interest? How was your relationship before he left for school? Would going to visit him once a month make him happy enough to stay in a school 650 miles away? Did you raise him to think for himself or have you always made decisions for him?

                  In answer to your question. You stay strong by allowing him to spread his wings. Let him tell you why it is best for him to leave that school and come home. Step back and allow him to make his own decision. If he stumbles or falls, be there to help him back up, not carry him.

                  Wocus Woman is right again. We were all 20 at one time. What decisions did we make at that age to get us where we are today? How much influence did our parents have in making our decisions at that age?

                  you member...I'm a DAD!lol

                  P.S. I passed through your area the other day on the way to San Manuel Powwow. L.A. is too crowded for me!


                  Why must I feel like that..why must I chase the cat?


                  "When I was young man I did some dumb things and the elders would talk to me. Sometimes I listened. Time went by and as I looked around...I was the elder".

                  Mr. Rossie Freeman

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                  • #10
                    He is at humboldt univeristy in calif. it was the best school that had a fishery program.thats why it is so far, thats what he wanted to work with. For the most part I have always given him the freedom to make his own decisions, as he has for the most part made really good choices.. except the last 2 years. He and I have an open realitionship and I have always been honest with him (no dad in the pic) the last 2 years hes been changing.. He started smoking Maj. but I had got him to quit about 3 months before he left.. my uncle is going to make sure we go see him once a month if we can get him to stay in. I say it is best for him cause he has no real skills or intrest for the regular work force. and if he stay in school He could get what he needs to work with fish in rivers lakes and, or streams like he wants to.. thats all he is interested in right now..
                    Last edited by Dawn_B; 10-22-2007, 01:34 AM.

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                    • #11
                      also it would be better for him to stay to learn how not to run from your problems, or worries or what ever. we all have to stand and face the life ahead of us....

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                      • #12
                        I agree with your last post Dawn B. That's part of the reason I moved so far away when I first moved out of my parents home.. cause it would'nt be too easy to go back if things got hard.

                        I got an inkling you're doing the right thing, but how to let him know it's cause you love and care for him... I don't think there is a way, other than just telling him and when it finally hits him he'll then understand it. It's a part of maturing...they just won't understand until they reach a certain age or maturity in their life when they suddenly can either comprehend or identify with what you've done and then it's clear as a bell.

                        Twenty is an adult but for alot of twenty year olds these days, especially males (no offense guys) it's still in that self important ME stage where they are the center of the universe and don't quite get past what's happening to them is not always just about them or aimed at them or only happening to them.. you know what I mean? Ya just gotta keep up the patience is all.
                        Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear... just sing, sing a song.sigpic

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                        • #13
                          Yes, most of us were 20 some years ago. You mentioned that you two were close. Perhaps he is homesick? Perhaps he hasn't made any real friends, so he feels lonely?? Whatever the case, I think he should wait out the rest of the semester. It seems too early to stop now. Perhaps he could join an on-campus activity/club or get a part-time job. That helped me out when I went off to school in New Mexico. Through work and the native clubs I joined, I met alot of people and went to interesting places. I wasn't homesick after that.

                          But anyway, if he doesn't feel up to staying in school by the end of the semester, then well, at least he tried, right? Don't worry. He'll get tired of staying at home, so something new will come up.
                          Bead All You Can Bead

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                          • #14
                            thanks all for talking to me about this.It is helping me feel better about whats going on.

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                            • #15
                              Don't worry your not alone, I will be dealing with similar emotions very soon. My son is a high school senior this year. He will attend his first year here at the University, after that he is free to transfer if he feels the need to, with our support. Its so scary, but also an exciting time to see them grow up and leave soon.

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