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1-800-Native (humor)
Okay take a break and laugh out loud! :D
1 (800) NATIVE (humor)
Some days, it's easier being Indian than others. But for those who are not
Indian every day, it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of Americans
need help. So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian and espcially
for those of you who didn't remember you were UNTIL the advent of per capita
payments, land settlements, casino's and ESPECIALLY those NDN college funds for
your off spring ........ I offer you this, the by-product of a sympathetic
moment of pure inspiration:
" THE SKIN-TACULAR "
Now, for a mere $39.95 a month of never ending but nonetheless easy installment
payments, you will receive these unique and wonderful goods:
* CLIP-ON BRAIDS (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping & handling)
* FADED BANDANA of red or blue
* CERTIFICATE OF GENUINE Indian ancestry, choice of "Princess" or "Chief,"
* TANNING SOLUTION with extra oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow,"
* OLD SET OF OF KEYS TO A CAR "left on the rez" and parked in some cousins yard
* SET OF RAZOR BLADES (Indians "aren't very hairy")
* FRINGED VEST with complimentary "Indian Power" button
* BEADED EARINGS FOR WOMEN, blurred tattoos for men
* POW-WOW SCHEDULE for those wanting to observe Indians in social environment
without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad thesis and
previous conclusions will be shattered.)
* INDIVIDUALIZED COMPANY REGISTERED NICKNAME (All Indians have some sort of
personal appellation i.e., SUN DOG, BULL, SKIN, BUCK, WABOOZ, SNAKE, BROKEDOWN,
or JR., etc. etc)
* RECIPE BOOK for commodity rations (including a no-fail absolutely delicious
macaroni soup-nourishment that saved our Nations)
* AND a VIDEO LIST OF INDIAN MOVIES to see and make reference to (movies not
included, DUH !!!!)
BONUS! For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that includes
the proper way to say, "Ayyyy!" with the appropriate head movements and some
slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes fail-safe vague
references to the "rez" and some handy-dandy pan-Indian sayings such as,
"walking the red road," "circle of life," "seven generations" and "all my
relations" AT NO EXTRA COST !!!!! PLUS the definitions of cultural gestures,
such as asking, "Where are you from?" are cross-referenced in a glossary of
Native terms and customs.
SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage and handling I will send you a sporadic
newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This way
you will not be left "out of the loop" in any conversation with real Indians.
Why you may ask, am I doing this?, selling trade secrets that will certainly
infuriate some Authentic Natives? Well, we real Indians could all use a
little break now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After
all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we're spread so thin
across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we wanted
the job or not. Besides, this will free up more time for us to get the
important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral, natural
resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody's got to do it!).
It's like my UNC used to say, "It ain't easy being Indian .....especially when
yer a Wannabee or a Yoostabee. "
For help, call 909-WAN-NABE! Now! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your
call! (Family packages available.)
* If you find yourself inexplicably craving government Commodity cheese, don't
give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much as 20%
off your total order!"
1 (800) NATIVE (humor)
Some days, it's easier being Indian than others. But for those who are not
Indian every day, it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of Americans
need help. So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian and espcially
for those of you who didn't remember you were UNTIL the advent of per capita
payments, land settlements, casino's and ESPECIALLY those NDN college funds for
your off spring ........ I offer you this, the by-product of a sympathetic
moment of pure inspiration:
" THE SKIN-TACULAR "
Now, for a mere $39.95 a month of never ending but nonetheless easy installment
payments, you will receive these unique and wonderful goods:
* CLIP-ON BRAIDS (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping & handling)
* FADED BANDANA of red or blue
* CERTIFICATE OF GENUINE Indian ancestry, choice of "Princess" or "Chief,"
* TANNING SOLUTION with extra oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow,"
* OLD SET OF OF KEYS TO A CAR "left on the rez" and parked in some cousins yard
* SET OF RAZOR BLADES (Indians "aren't very hairy")
* FRINGED VEST with complimentary "Indian Power" button
* BEADED EARINGS FOR WOMEN, blurred tattoos for men
* POW-WOW SCHEDULE for those wanting to observe Indians in social environment
without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad thesis and
previous conclusions will be shattered.)
* INDIVIDUALIZED COMPANY REGISTERED NICKNAME (All Indians have some sort of
personal appellation i.e., SUN DOG, BULL, SKIN, BUCK, WABOOZ, SNAKE, BROKEDOWN,
or JR., etc. etc)
* RECIPE BOOK for commodity rations (including a no-fail absolutely delicious
macaroni soup-nourishment that saved our Nations)
* AND a VIDEO LIST OF INDIAN MOVIES to see and make reference to (movies not
included, DUH !!!!)
BONUS! For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that includes
the proper way to say, "Ayyyy!" with the appropriate head movements and some
slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes fail-safe vague
references to the "rez" and some handy-dandy pan-Indian sayings such as,
"walking the red road," "circle of life," "seven generations" and "all my
relations" AT NO EXTRA COST !!!!! PLUS the definitions of cultural gestures,
such as asking, "Where are you from?" are cross-referenced in a glossary of
Native terms and customs.
SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage and handling I will send you a sporadic
newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This way
you will not be left "out of the loop" in any conversation with real Indians.
Why you may ask, am I doing this?, selling trade secrets that will certainly
infuriate some Authentic Natives? Well, we real Indians could all use a
little break now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After
all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we're spread so thin
across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we wanted
the job or not. Besides, this will free up more time for us to get the
important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral, natural
resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody's got to do it!).
It's like my UNC used to say, "It ain't easy being Indian .....especially when
yer a Wannabee or a Yoostabee. "
For help, call 909-WAN-NABE! Now! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your
call! (Family packages available.)
* If you find yourself inexplicably craving government Commodity cheese, don't
give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much as 20%
off your total order!"
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