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family vs. fiancee?????

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  • family vs. fiancee?????

    Has anyone else had this problem? I have it right now
    The bad thing is that we have a child together and it is really hard. My parents love the child because he is their grandbaby and yet they don't like his father at all. The father loves the baby but don't like the grandparents to have him at all. I am stuck in the middle and don't know what to do. I live with my parents so it is really really really really hard. We didn't get enough money saved up for a place of our own.
    I didn't do it, honestly. I have burned all the proof.

  • #2
    Don't give up it will all work out....
    blah blah blah....


    • #3
      What are you asking I see you are caught in the middle but you have your own family now. If your parents can't get along with the dad keep them apart if it causes problems. If he's a good dad they'll see he's a good dad and may be things will change. If your parents are like mine they may be stubborn but if he's good to you and your kid views might change.




      • #4
        Most parents do like thier childrens parntenrs often for a reason...and some times we are blinded by their reasons becuase we are "in love". When I was a young mom, I look back at my ex and think , man now I know what my folks were seeing..but that the time I did not see how not right he was for me and my baby girl. Now I am remarried with 5 kids and I know how hard it must have been for my folks to see me go through all that BS. Just listen to what you folks have to say, especially becuase it sounds liek they are the ones paing teh bills for you and the baby. And fi things do not work out with yoru man then I am asumming your parents will be the one to pick up the pices for you. When we are young we never think are parents know any thing......

        Also why is you man not liking your folks? they are putting a roof over the babys head ...somthing he is not doing? Besides wheather your folks are right or wrong, he should respect them, for the sake of the baby, cuz it sounds like that baby will be close to your parents and he should make agood expamle for the baby and respect your folks.


        • #5
          THe best thing to do is bring everyone together and talk about why they don't like him and why he doesnt' like will take the stress off you. Maybe your folks see something that you don't...that you are blinded by love for the guy and can't see the forest for the trees.
          yeah, yeah, yeah...

          ...never underestimate the power of stupid people in groups...

          If quizzes are "quizical"...What are tests?


          • #6
            my 2 sence.
            I think you should hang in there. im kinda in a 'similar' situation. BUT,
            If u LOVE ur man and think hes a good dad and wanna be with him and make a family,then try and make that work out and get a plce of your own...Cuz its like this, Aint no one who knows how long any of you are gonna be around. specially our parents if there older. :( better to try and get out on ur own now while u still have them around for support...

            But thats just MY outlook on it.

            jus hang in there.this is cheesy but if things are meant to be,they will be........................
            " I'll Always Have Mad Love For That Fool! "


            • #7
              It boils down to respect.

              You are obligated to respect your parents, even if you don't agree with them..especially if you are living under their roof.

              Your parents are obligated to respect you as your child's mother and your sweetie as their grandchild's father, whether or not they like him or agree with your being with him.

              Your man owes your parents respect because they are your parents and of an older generation, whether he likes them or not.

              You and he owe each other respect for the sake of your child.

              Sit down and ask your parents to tell you why they don't like your child's father. Listen, and don't interrupt. No matter how much you disagree, thank them for presenting their side of this to you. Ask them if they would, out of love for you and their grandchild, treat your man with respect regardless of how they feel about them, and that you are concerned that the animosity between them and the baby's father might not be good for the baby's well-being.

              Ask your man exactly why he doesn't like your parents. Chances are it's because they don't like him, but there may be other things here too. Ask him to respect them because he loves you and y'all's child, and as a matter of respect to you.

              You and your man need to get your own place. If that means him working 2 jobs and you staying home with the baby, or him working at least 1 full-time job and a part time one while you work at least a part-time job and both sets of grandparents take turns baby-sitting, then do it. when you engage in sex, you are taking on adult roles, and adult responsibilities-especially when a child is conceived. Being a parent means working and sacrificing for the good of your child(ren), putting aside your wants and needs to see to the baby first. Perhaps if the 2 of you show you're both willing to do this, they may change their minds.

              Realize that even if your man proves he's a wonderful husband and father, he may never earn your parents' approval-sometimes it just turns out that way no matter how hard you try. My ex's mother hated me just cause, and that was that-nothing I did was going to change her mind.

              There's a reason that 2 people become one flesh when they marry, and that's because they are now each other's closest family member. Before you marry-and if the 2 of you want to provide the most stable home for your child, that's what you should do-talk to some elders who've been married for decades, ask them how they made it, what they did to meet their spouse's wants and needs, how they dealt with the hardships, differences of opinion, and ther bumps in the marital road. Get some pre-marital counseling on how you're going to deal with finances(#1 cause of arguments in marriage), setting goals, disciplining children, dealing with outside interferences(in-laws, other men/women trying to break y'all up, friends, etc), and setting boundaries for discussions, disagreements, arguments, who does what chores around the house, and the list goes on.

              Marriage isn't something you do while it feels good then bail out of when it gets's a covenant between the 2 of you and the Creator, a sacred thing to be given respect and honored.


              • #8
                OK, this is what I see going on. so it will only be my side that I see not their sides.

                I met my fiancee 10 years ago (yeah, long time to know him). We worked together in a Tourism "Trap" Establishment. I seen him many times in the area I worked in. He would always be nice and smile and talk to me. I didn't know he was dating a girl at the time. I was going through my divorce at the time. His girl just worked down the hall from me and sometimes seen us talking together when he would pass through. She ended up reporting to my manager that I was not working at all and I got in trouble and couldn't have a small chat with him at all.
                THe season ended and I didn't see him for along while. then I see him out and about a few times and we would chat for quite some time when we seen each other. This happend for a few years. My parents were sometimes with me when I seen him and they would join in our conversation and we all got along.
                Three years ago, I ran into him at the biggest store here in my home town. (Mind you, this is not a big store at all compared to what some of you other folks have but it is quite big for our small town) He was working there and I was delighted to see him. We talked for a while and then he would go back to work. Again, sometimes when I seen him there and I was shoppping with my family they would join in and have laughs and what nots with us. Finally one day I was "Supposed to" just jet in and grab something from the other side of the store. I ran into him. We talked for about, oh 1/2 hour or so and then he finally asked me if I would like to go do something with him. I smiled and said sure. Then he didn't even ask for my phone number. (nervous :D ) We talked about what times he had available and then we decided to go to the basketball tourny that was going on. By the time I was about to walk off, I asked him if he wanted my phone number or pager number. (he was nervous again :D ) He said sure and I gave it to him.
                Now I am sure some of you ladies have had this happen before. You make arrangements to go out with a guy, give him your phone numbers and never hear from him again. Well I was kinda thinkin that would happen. But he ended up calling me the next morning. Suprise to me. But we decided to meet up earlier and chat or what not. It was fun.
                My parents knew all along that I was seeing someone new. They were excited for me. My hunny and I dated a good two months before they actually got to see who I was dating. When they seen it was him, they got furious with me.
                Now, to fully understand them. My fiancee has had a bad past. A few of the women accused him of beating them. He admitted one of them it had gotten a little too heated and both of them had gotten hurt. Since then he has kept up with angermanagement and everything. Has kept it up for four years.
                We have now been together for 2 years. We have had our arguements (like every couple does) but have never laid a hand on each other. If we feel we are getting too worked up one of us leaves and goes for a walk. If that person comes back and see the other person is still worked up then we decide who will stay and who will go. It has worked for us very well.
                My parents seem to think he beats me more than my ex-husband did. They also said my now fiancee looks like my ex-husband. and ever since they found out it was him, they have not liked him.
                Now, He has always liked my family. But once I moved in with him because I wanted to be with him more and more, my parents quit talking to me for 2 months. Then we got to talking again because He didn't want me to miss out on my family. He kept telling me to go and talk to them even though they were mad at me. So I talked to them and they started to warm up. Then my parents heard he and I argue and then they called the police sayin that he beat me. They only heard us arguing over the phone.
                Of course this freaked him out and he started to not trust my parents.
                After a while he trusted them again even though they didn't like him. and the same thing happend again. this actually happend like three times. And ever since he won't trust them, I give him super duper credit for trying to see if they would like him. But it seems my parents just don't wanna like him at all. It makes me sad.
                Now that our boy is out in the world, things have gotten horribly tough. We lost our home that we had together and I had to result in moving back in with my parents. and they don't like me to take our son to go visit him when he gets close by. it is a big arguement and now because of it we have to deal with the State of Ak.
                It is depressing really. My boy and I are stuck in the middle because we love the heck out of all of them.
                My fiancee and I are on programs waiting list to get a home again. so it isn't that we are not trying, we know we need to be in a home together. Our boy does so much better when the two of us are there taking care of him.
                I didn't do it, honestly. I have burned all the proof.


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Tsanuwa Usgolv
                  It boils down to respect.

                  You . . .

                  Marriage isn't something you do while it feels good then bail out of when it gets's a covenant between the 2 of you and the Creator, a sacred thing to be given respect and honored.
                  All that stuff you said, especially about taking advice from someone that has been married for decades.
                  Why do they keep calling me Uk Shan?


                  • #10
                    family vs. fiancee

                    The best advice I could give you is, be patient. If the two of you truely love each other, patients will lead the way. You have already taken care of two things, (getting on a waiting list and sticking together thru this hard time). If anything this situation will draw you closer to each other and more determined to fight against it. Don't ever let anyone choose who you and your child should be happy with. Remember, misery loves company. Your parents need to focus on "getting a life of their own", while you and "your family" focus on getting things back on track for the future of your child. If your parents really love you and your child, they will accept whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with. People seem to forget that no-one is perfect and we all make mistakes. But just don't let anyone destroy your happiness. It's not worth it. I wish you the best of luck.

                    Talk to ya later!!!!!!!!!



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