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IRS LETTER
===========
Time to start thinking about filing that tax return.
Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration.
It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst
of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and
credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my
children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only
fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them
and what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and
reinstate the deductions. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you
mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all
of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the
face of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal
people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not
incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
toilet papering houses. In the future, would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time,
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight in the cafeteria.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-
principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be
much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.
Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours.
She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties.
She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks
like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to
help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite
obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in
her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take
the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's
college, but then I am free!
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I
have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.
===========
Time to start thinking about filing that tax return.
Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration.
It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst
of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and
credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my
children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only
fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them
and what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and
reinstate the deductions. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you
mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all
of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the
face of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex.
This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal
people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not
incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
toilet papering houses. In the future, would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time,
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight in the cafeteria.
I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-
principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be
much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.
Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours.
She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties.
She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks
like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to
help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite
obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in
her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take
the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's
college, but then I am free!
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I
have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.