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letter to the IRS

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  • letter to the IRS


    Time to start thinking about filing that tax return.
    Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration.
    It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst
    of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and
    credits. The letter speaks for itself.
    Dear Sirs:
    I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
    the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.
    Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my
    children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only
    fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
    responsibility, the government should know something about them
    and what to expect over the next year.
    Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and
    reinstate the deductions. They are yours!
    The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
    I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
    answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
    formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
    subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
    Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
    you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you
    mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
    run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
    Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
    early to drive her to school.
    Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all
    of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
    felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the
    face of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex.
    This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will
    be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
    reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
    Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
    His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal
    people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not
    incarcerated first.
    In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police
    officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
    toilet papering houses. In the future, would you like him
    delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?
    Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
    His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
    big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time,
    as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
    food fight in the cafeteria.
    I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-
    principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
    hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be
    much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
    DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
    explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
    (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.
    Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
    Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
    as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours.
    She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties.
    She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks
    like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to
    help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
    "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
    But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
    amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite
    obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
    She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
    the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
    hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
    The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
    her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
    voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
    her ears pierced four more times.
    There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
    sure that you can handle it.
    Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in
    her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
    thing than find out what it is really made of.
    You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
    you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take
    the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's
    college, but then I am free!
    If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
    counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
    two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
    military academy.
    Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I
    have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
    $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
    Yours truly,
    Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.
    Courage is just fear that has said it's prayers.

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