I'm Depressed

[cr_dakota_chic]

Hey... My name is Carolyn Renville. Since this is an introduction. I will introduce myself. I am 18 years old. I was born November 14, 1990. I use to love to go for walks, bead, draw, fish, ride horses, babysit, cook, and adventure the great outdoors. I loved to play hand games. When I was in 7th grade my team won championships in Huron at the Dakota Oyate Challenge. It was the best. I use to love to Dance Fancy Shawl at whatever powwows. I didn't care if my outfit was beaded or not I loved to dance at any powwows. I had b's and a's. I won the Dakota Language bowl. Tehee I have a great sense of humor. OH WAIT. I have a dirty mind. BUT ONLY BECAUSE MY CLASS IS NASTY! lmao! well the guys have a dirty sense of humor and it rubbed off on mostly everyone. haha! I should just skip to everything... my problems... but this is an introduction hey!!! YAYE!!! jk
okay.... my problems.
I met this guy when I was thirteen. We had everything in common. We loved to fish, draw, cook, explore, dance at powwows, and ride horses. We talked for ever. We always kept in touch. We would write to each other every day through mailing not the email.. haha. We talked on the phone everyday. Our longest conversation on the phone was fourteen hours. It could've been longer if my dad didn't kick me off the phone, but that was when I was thirteen. Hah. He was truley great. He was my first real boyfriend... at that age. My sisters called it puppy love. It was at that time because we had our first little fight and didn't talk for awhile. Then we dated again when we were 15. tehee I told him when I went to PROM I wanted him to go with me and we would go like we we're married. Tehee I was super shy all those times though. He asked me for a kiss. I was so shy that i said, "Maybe next year." I was scared! haha.. He thought I didn't like him and we faded that summer.... We talked though. Every day. We talked about our relationships. I was dating this white guy from my school and he was dating this white girl from his school. Then my relationship faded. He had a different white girlfriend.
A year went by and I got an email throught Myspace. His sister emailed me asking me for my address and by this time. Our home address had changed because the mailing system updated in the country. Instead of a RR1 Box113 address I had this big long number address that he hadn't known about. He wrote me telling me that he was in treatment for drinking and using Marijuana. We got back into touch. I was so happy.
He got out.. and we sort of stopped writing.
He started using again...(which i didn't know about) I was suppose to go to Iowa City, IA this past summer 2008 to learn to be a pilot. I wanted to be an EMT. I got into drugs too and my parents said I couldn't go to IOWA anymore. So there went my EMT dream... I was bummed... and stopped using. I didn't smoke or drink. In september he called me. He wanted to see me. So I said yea.. and I DIDN"T KNOW he was on my REZ.(swo) he's from upper sioux. He wanted to hang out... So i told him I will sneak out to hang out with him... He came over at 12:00am and I hung out with him until 4 am. He drove all over. I showed him all my hang out places and I showd him all my discoveries.. Well most of my discoveries. I never got to show him the ROCK i found with a hole in the middle. ( It was a big rock and it looks like it was used to make fires on. It was a 3 foot tall and the top of it was flat with a 3 inch hole in it.) I stuck my fingure in it and it smelt of ashes so I assumed it was used for making fire long ago. I also found a HUGE rock that was taller than me. I was going to show him that but it was too dark and in the country.
Two weeks later he called me.. about 6:00 am and told me he was huffing AIR DUSTER. I got mad and told him to throw it away. He said he did.. but 5 minutes later he said someone was knocking at the door and he will be right back... when he got back on he sounded terrible.. crying kind of* but a scary cry... ( he was still my best friend) It was 8:30 and my class started and I had to go...
He called again in october. He wanted to spend Halloween with me and I was asking him to teach me how to Hoop Dance for my senior project since I couldn't do the pilot thing anymore. He said he will teach me. Tehee... He came over the thursday before halloween( the reason I know the exact date because Supernatural came on that day and I have a crush on that actor, Jensen Ackles.. ) We made the best Pumpkin Pie cookies. They were the best!!! He wanted to spend the night So I asked my mom. She said he could only if he slept in a different room. So when he went to ask his mom. his mom said that He had to be some where and he couldn't. So sad ... tehee.... He was bummed and went Rosholt,SD. We talked on the phone and we mostly talked about hoop dancing. (He was 18 by this time and I was still 17) He told me that he had a birthday present and wanted to give it to me before he went to Sioux Falls, SD. He didn't get to but it wasn't my birthday yet so I could wait.. tehee.... we talked about meeting during Thanksgiving so I could learn to hoop dance and I was going to spend all my thanksgiving break with him Thanksgiving came around... and THERE WAS A POWWOW!!!!!!!!! So we went... in Morton, MN. Seth was tempted to get high and people asked him. He said no because I was there... tehee... He quit smoking pot for me. I was smiling inside and proud of him. He entered the switch dance competion and won 2nd place. He won $100.. tehee.. He gave me my birthday present which was a beaded medalion that his sister beaded. It WAS AMAZING!!!! I loved it. tehee... We started dating during that powwow. I was soo happy again. I had him back. He told me that he didn't think I liked him... Tehee.. I LOVED HIM. Tehee... but I was too shy to say anything.
I had to go home and he called me up... saying he missed me and he was in SD and wanted to hang out. He came over and we hung out... (my dad is very strict and doesn't like guys liking me... lol well doesn't like me dating.) I told my dad that Seth and I are friend and he was going to come over and help me out with my 10 page term paper that was due in December. Seth came over I didn't want to do my paper. So we went to sleep. tehee.. Him holding me and us being together sleeping... I was in heaven...
He stayed over for two weeks... his granpa died and lost his cousin too... all in the same week... His mom was down on my rez for the funerals. I was busy with school and always came home late. Seth thought I was cheating which I wasn't because I was painting a picture for our SENIOR class to win pop for our class. I painted Stitch. Seth started to get down.. he got mad at me one night and I told him I loved him and would never cheat....
We made up... my family got money for Christmas and so did Seth. We went to Watertown, SD to shop at WALMART.. tehee.. and when it was just my cousin, seth and I driving around.. Seth said, "You know what? My grandpa died and my cousin just died. I feel like I am going to go next." My cousin and I just said, "Whatever" I gave him a kiss and said not even. Later that night when we were laying in bed.. I just happened to look at the wall and I seen this BLACK thing looked like smoke come out of the wall... ( Seth slept by the wall and I slept on the outside of the bed) I hugged him quickly then I switch him spots. I told him what I saw and didn't want to let him go. Then we feel asleep holding each other.
The next day he dropped me off at school and went back to my house. (December 16th 2008) After school I got dropped off by my friend Jerrett Pies. Seth called me and said he couldn't pick me up because he was going to Watertown with his mom which was 45 minutes away. My cousin called me and said we were going to go to Watertown to pick up Seth. We left and waited in Watertown for Seth. We went to Walmart again and Seth wanted a hair cut, but first him and my cousin were secretly talking... My cousin asked me if I ever tried Tripple C's (some cough pills that were suppose to get you HIGH) I told her yea because I didn when I went to Yellowstone park. He bought them for her because she never tried them... When he went to get his hair cut... Me and my cousin were waiting being bored acting like little kids.
While he was getting his hair cut we tried to get him to look at us and we told him we were going to wait for him outside in the car. We went to the car and drove around the parking lot. Alexis brought up the pills and I was unsure... then we did...... Nothing happen.... and I forgot about the pills..... Seth got in about 15minutes later...
while we were driving home... Seth was acting weird... and singing... He then told me to jump in the back seat with him so he could tell me something... I got back there and he showed me the air duster he was huffing.. I GOT MAD(expecting him to throw it away) and didn't talk to him for the rest of the way... 30 minutes later he was puking up.... I got mad and called his mom... but no answer... when I looked back again.. his clothes where off(except his pants) he thrown them out the window. We got home and I got pissed. My grandma knew I was mad and thought seth and I were fighting... She said she was going to go to her son's house instead and yelled at me. She asked why are we fighting and we shouldn't be fighting.. I just told her ASK HIM!! He said something to her and she understood.. but that was a lie... (I can't rememebr what he said exactly.) My cousin was cooking something and we needed to go to the store to get some pop... when we got there... the pills had already kicked in.. OMG!
We went back and I imagined somehow SETH AND I BROKE UP.. I was crabbed out and when Seth called me BABY... i said "what? BAby? Seth.... we broke up. Don't you rememebr?" he realized i was high off those pills.... He grabbed the can and started doing the air duster..... he was crying..... painfully and it sounded like the scary cry like before.... .... like before..... it was terrible.... I slept in my cousins room that night or tried too but it was hard to sleep.. I heard him in my room.. but i couldn't get up.. i hated this HIGH... it was hard to go to the bathroom and it felt like my feet weren't attached to my legs and I could swear everytime I walked that I could feel the bones collide. It felt weird and I am pretty sure I was walking all fumbly.
The next morning... I went into the room. It smelt terrible and I was still pissed and sober. When I walked into the room the first thing I thought was that that smell was the air duster all nasty... I jumped into the shower... and got ready for school... but I was soo pissed off that I didn't want to go to school. I told my dad that I was too sick to go to school and stayed home. My cousin left for school though. At 10:40 I was in the living room with my grandma.. sitting there all bored... I asked her how long does Seth usually sleeps. She told me that he sleeps all day until I get home from school. I went in there to find some socks and it stilled smelled the same... all GROSS. . . I went in there all depressed because of our fights and I was thinking, while I was looking for socks, to make him something to eat. ( I have this thing to look at a person a long time while they sleep to see if they move. I did it all the time when I babysat... I always watched to see if they were breathing.. idk why? I just had that habit) I looked at him for a long time.... my heart sank.... he wasn't moving... I thought I was just seeing things.... I went up to him..... I felt his ear like I always did. I liked to play with his ears.... he was cold and his ear wasn't tender.
(OMG!!! THIS SONG IS ON!!! The song that played while I was sleeping.. the night he DIED!!! OMG!! Anthony Hamilton ft. David Banner - Cool ) I was so shocked... I went back into the living and walked out and sat on the couch... My koosh asked me, "What the matter." I was soooooo shook up... and replied, "Seth's gone." she said, " Did he leave a note?" (she thought he just left you know... took off... I said "No." my voice got cracked up.. and kind of crying" SETH'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I cried..... that whole time... it was from 11:00 until 8:00pm..... my mom took me out of that house and we went somewhere...
I lost the best thing I have ever HAD!!!
He was the only guy that was a real gentleman towards me... He treated me right... he was the best.. hah. VERY respectable and sweet. And I lost him....

I just feel like it's all my fault he's gone all because I was HIGH and said something I would have never have said... :(

I miss him soo much.. he died December 17th....
I wish he never left... gawd...
He was my best friend too and I miss him so much... :'(

[timmy tiger]

Oh honey this was so not your fault. Although my words will never change the way that you feel right now, believe me when I tell you that it is NOT your fault. He did what he did of his own choice and that is what took him away, not you.

Talk to people, get some help, it will help--it won't make all the pain go away, but it will help you to deal with it. And maybe out of this you could help save some other kids by going around and telling your story. It's a thought and might even help you and someone else.

I have had things like that as well, I think many of us have stories like that. When I was 10-14 years old I lived in a very small town. I had heard a story of a young couple, they were in their teens and they were at a party one night and he went outside with some guys to get "High", he came into the party waving a gun. His g/f yelled and he said "It's not loaded see...." and pulled the trigger. She died 20 mins later and he spent several years in a juvy jail.

Another time my mom was dating a guy. I went to school with his son. I was away visiting family and the guy got caught with drugs. He came up to me bragging about it in school when I got back and I told him that he was stupid and slammed him into the lockers. 3 Years later he was murdered in another state buying drugs and he said the wrong thing to the wrong person. I couldn't stop him then and you couldn't stop Seth now. It's an ugly Cycle. But maybe you could help to stop someone else. It's a thought and a time for healing.

My heart and my prayers go out to you 'cause I do know a little of what you are going through. And I am much older then you are.

[beeleaf]

Carolyn, thank you for sharing your story with us.
Timmy Tiger is right. You could not save him.
That's part of what hurts so much is the powerlessness.
Best thing to do is everything you can do to make sure nobody ever has to feel this pain over you.
You can get through this. And, as Timmy said, use it to do some good.
Lots of us have been there...no need to go it alone.
Love and prayers for you,
Bee

[cr_dakota_chic]

...

Thank you. It's like some days are okay and then it brings me down again and again. I think I'm okay and then... blah. It hits me and I crash harder then ever. I don't have to get help. Being a Senior is work. Haha. Homework everyday and what not. The people I can talk to are just stunned and don't know what to say so it's not use talking to them. I tried. My counselor at my school is only good at counseling school needs. I've missed too many days to go somewhere.

[beeleaf]

Yeah, the up and down thing is part of losing someone you love. OK one minute, hard to believe it's really real the next, sadness, pain you can't even give a name to. It's still pretty soon after for you...give yourself time to heal. People not knowing what to say doesn't mean they don't care. Just means they don't know what to say. Know what I mean?

Best kind of counselor to talk to would be a grief counselor.

It's good that you're getting your schoolwork done. Very good.

[timmy tiger]

I agree with Bee here. I really think that a grief counselor would be better. The school counselor's, although many try their best, usually deal with the younger stuff and when it comes to this, they are as lost as anyone else. Many don't know what to say 'cause we all know there's not much we can say that will make it any easier for you. The healing has to come from within you in your own time. None of us can do it for you even if we want to, we know we can't. And many times other's are afraid of adding more hurt to you at times like these, so they would rather wait and see how you are doing rather then making you cry. Many greif center's are open in the evening after school.

I'm glad you are still in school and working at it. Maybe that can be of some help for you too.

Good luck and things will get better.

[tanner]

Im so sorry to about your loss. When I first read it didnt know what to say but seems like you have some pretty good answers. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers just keep your head up, take it one day at a time and as Bee mentioned see a grief counselor. I hope that you have brighter days ahead give yourself time to heal and keep moving forward with a positive outlook.

May the Great Spirit Bless you

Take Care
Tann

[cr_dakota_chic]

Thanks

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. I am thinking of starting up dancing again and doing the things I love again like beading and dancing. The whole thing that always gets me down. Is hoop dancing. Seth was going to teach me how, but we never had the time because of the snow and school. Super busy. I don't think I could do it. His mom said she will teach me, but I haven't called her to set up a time even though I should because that is part of my school work. My senior project. I started beading again, but it's hard to keep up my motivation. I will try to see a grief counselor, but I live out in the country and my school is in the country sort of. The next big town is an hour away. Hmm. . . ?

[beeleaf]

Beading and dancing sound like very good things to be doing. You love those things for a good reason.

[APACHEFIRE]

my heart weeps with yours CAROLYN. its the hardest thing we have to go through. it hurts so much because you cared so much. you are just starting your travel on this path of grief. allow yourself time. take as long as you need. it will be a process of denile, weeping, ups and downs, anger, rememberance, and back again. sometimes it can take years. the pain slowly fades from the heart, until you sort out the good memories and hold them fresh in your mind.

mean time, you are going through other lifes hard times, dealing with day to day situations. talking with someone you trust, who is willing to listen, is the next best thing to a grief counselor.

coming here and sharing your pain has been a good start in the right direction. many of us will be keeping you in our hearts, thoughts and prayers.

[DeafToniB]

I am sorry about your boyfriend, Seth, pass away and it is scary to have him go "high" with drug like air duster. I am glad I never have that experience like this when I was young. Rest in Peace, Seth. I hope you can go for help in grieve counseling just as Beeleaf and Timmy Tiger had made the right suggestions. :grouphugO

[CRYBABY]

Just gotta know why

Why would you lie about hangen out with an actor

[SuzzeQ4]

Why would you lie about hangen out with an actor

She never said she hung out with the actor just that she crusshes on him...he is a cute actor...(did I say that...lol) anyway crybaby this is not the thread to be *****in at someone on.

[timmy tiger]

She never said she hung out with the actor just that she crusshes on him...he is a cute actor...(did I say that...lol) anyway crybaby this is not the thread to be *****in at someone on.

Thank you Suzze. I had to leave when I saw the post above yours. I wouldn't have been so nice. And the last time I wasn't so nice, someone got caught in the crossfire.LOL

[SuzzeQ4]

Honey the other Women are right, we have all loved and lost...some more painfully then others, Also they are right about the grief counselor. I too will keep you in my thoguhts.

I wasn't much older then you (18 1/2) when I lost my highschool boyfriend too. Similar story, drugs, love and depression, different sequence of events, he ended his life on purpose with a bottle of drano and a 3 week coma. I felt like my world was over and that I would never find love again.

OK, here's the tough love part. As long as a life has drugs in it death and sadness will always be close at hand, it's the nature of the beast. To carry on in life you need a grief counselor and proffessional help with the drugs. Also need to only involve yourself with people who are clean. It makes your success easier and then your life is truly drug free. At first you may think my advice is lame, or that all the clean people are lane but trust me 10 years later you will be glad you made such a choice. So get help, cry (it's healing), know that your not alone, that people care and that there is a better happier life out there waiting for you, you just need to grab a hold of it. I think wanting to bead and dance again is a good start and a sign that deep inside this is the life you want, not the life of drugs and sadness. I know too that sometimes holding onto the depression and the life that goes with it seems easier in a crazy way that you can't explain. In time you will see that what seems easier is actually the harder choice. You can have any life you want you just have to grab it and fight for it. For me it took new friends, new clothes (hard to make friends with the right people when you look like the wrong people, plus it helped mentally to see myself as a new person), and a belief that I could have more along with wanting better. This sounds easy but somehow it took a while to accept this. Grab life take back all you lost in your precious teen years and you could get back that dream of an EMT, but to be an EMT you need toi make some new choices in life.

So I know that was rather to the point, but when it comes to this stuff I know from expierence that hearing like it is, is what is truely needed. Again I will keep you in my thoughts and I will believe that you can make this work for you.

Oh and I did find love again, healthy, happy love but it took making all those changes to get that. I am way happier then I ever was in life before.