I got this in my mail today... HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

>THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST
>
>If you can read this whole story without tears of
>laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no
>hope for you! *Note: Take time to read this slowly. If
>you pay attention to the first two judges, the
>reaction of the third judge is even better!
>
>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
>true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off
>about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a
>major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
>notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named
>Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a
>judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in
>sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
>there at the judge's table asking for directions to
>the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
>assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
>the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they
>told me I could have all the free beer during the
>tasting, so I accepted."
>
>Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
>
>Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
>kick.
>
>Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
>
>Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this
>stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
>driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out.
>I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
>Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
>
>Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
>tang.
>
>Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to
>be taken seriously.
>
>Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of
>children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
>besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
>to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in
>more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
>Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
>
>Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
>Needs more beans.
>
>Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use
>of peppers.
>
>Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a
>uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
>Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some
>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
>back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
>chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
>
>
>
>Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
>
>Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
>Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
>dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
>chilli.
>
>Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue,
>but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
>taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
>with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to
>look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
>chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
>Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
>
>Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers
>freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
>impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more
>tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
>statement.
>
>Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat's pouring off
>my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>The contestant seemed offended when I said that her
>chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
>tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
>from the pitcher. Wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
>to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!
>
>
>
>Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
>
>Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli.
>Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions and garlic. Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm
>worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
>inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She
>must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any
>more. Need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
>
>Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
>
>Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance
>on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
>threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I
>should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
>appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
>Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my
>mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
>lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like
>it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full
>of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least
>during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it;
>I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
>just suck it in through the four inch hole in my
>stomach.
>
>
>

>Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
>
>Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended
>chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
>existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced
>chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
>of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
>and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
>sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how
>he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
>