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Chili Cook Off.. !!!!!!

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  • Chili Cook Off.. !!!!!!

    I got this in my mail today... HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

    >If you can read this whole story without tears of
    >laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no
    >hope for you! *Note: Take time to read this slowly. If
    >you pay attention to the first two judges, the
    >reaction of the third judge is even better!
    >For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
    >true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off
    >about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a
    >major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
    >notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named
    >Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
    >Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a
    >judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in
    >sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
    >there at the judge's table asking for directions to
    >the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
    >assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
    >the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they
    >told me I could have all the free beer during the
    >tasting, so I accepted."
    >Here are the scorecards from the event:
    >Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
    >Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
    >Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    >Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this
    >stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
    >driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out.
    >I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.
    >Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
    >Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
    >Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to
    >be taken seriously.
    >Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of
    >children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
    >besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
    >to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in
    >more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    >Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
    >Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
    >Needs more beans.
    >Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use
    >of peppers.
    >Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a
    >uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
    >Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some
    >more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
    >back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
    >chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.
    >Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
    >Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
    >Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
    >dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
    >Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue,
    >but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
    >taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
    >with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to
    >look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    >chili an aphrodisiac?
    >Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
    >Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers
    >freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
    >Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more
    >tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
    >Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat's pouring off
    >my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
    >farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
    >The contestant seemed offended when I said that her
    >chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
    >tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
    >from the pitcher. Wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
    >It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me
    >to stop screaming. Stuff those rednecks!
    >Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
    >Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli.
    >Good balance of spices and peppers.
    >Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
    >onions and garlic. Superb.
    >Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm
    >worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
    >inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She
    >must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any
    >more. Need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
    >Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
    >Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance
    >on canned peppers.
    >Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
    >threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I
    >should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
    >appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    >Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my
    >mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
    >lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like
    >it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
    >chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full
    >of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least
    >during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    >decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it;
    >I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
    >just suck it in through the four inch hole in my

    >Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
    >Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended
    >chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
    >Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced
    >chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
    >of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
    >and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
    >sure if he's going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how
    >he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
    "finding your best friend in life and love is glorious"

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