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Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us!!!!

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  • Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us!!!!

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
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    FAMILY
    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
    _______________________________________
    "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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    ROMANCE
    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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    DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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    OLD FRIENDS
    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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    SENIOR DRIVING
    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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    DRIVING
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection,sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!
    :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2:
    *~*~*~Do Not Lead me in to Temptation I can Find it myself*~*~*~ :D :uptosomet

  • #2
    Re: Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us!!!!

    Originally posted by Crow_hunny_420
    DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
    :lol2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :rofl2: :lol2:
    (¯`·._)Ït §M꣣$ £¡kë ®åíñßÕw§ (¯`·._)

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    • #3
      When yer a lil child, you believe in Santa Claus.

      When yer grown, you stop believing in Santa Claus.

      When yer old enough, you become Santa Claus.
      :devil

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      • #4
        tee~hee!! :Thumbs
        If there ain't soccer in heaven ~ I ain't going!!

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        • #5
          When we are born our age is numbered in days, then months and then we reach around age 3 years it starts being spoken as 3, 3 1/2, ect.. until we reach the magical age of 13! Then we are TEENAGERS! At 14 we look forward toward turning 15 so we get our learners permits, then we look forward to 16 when we can legal drive, then we wait impatiently looking forward to the age 18 when we become legal adults. Of course we then wait impaiently for the magic age of 21. After turning 21 the counting stops until we hit 25 a quater of a century! After that we only count the decades and try to prevent big event birthday parties. UNTIL we turn 65 or 70, then we start to proudly annoucing our age again, I'm 70! 70 1/2! ect.. at 90 we start counting 90 and a month, ect... the circle has gone around again.
          Courage is just fear that has said it's prayers.

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          • #6
            A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
            Twister

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            • #7
              lol thats silly
              I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
              So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
              I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
              You will see your beauty every moment that you rise

              Comment

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