Top 15 Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman

15 Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.

14 Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.

13 Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!

12 Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."

11 Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.

10 "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.

9 A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.

8 Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.

7 Bowl full of jelly? No way. It's water retention.

6 Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.

5 Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!

4 No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.

3 Santa has never, ever been observed peeing off of rooftops.

2 The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.

and the Number 1 Sign Santa Claus is Actually a Woman...

1 With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!